This summer could be defined by that word.
Ok, yes… I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my kids. And, yes… we’ve done some really fun things. I’ve loved the late nights and lazy mornings. Our time with family has been sweet.
But I still feel alone in it.
Are you tracking with me?
Remember when our kids were young and we’d travel in packs together? We’d plan something almost every day together. Monday the park. Tuesday the pool. Wednesday the backyard. Thursday the zoo. Friday the park again.
Remember when our kids were on the same summer sports teams, so we’d bring our lawn chairs and pretend to watch our kids at practice? We’d hide behind the shelter of our sunglasses, because in reality… we were talking 90 miles an hour and solving the world’s problems rather than paying attention to what was happening on the field.
Remember when we’d get together as families more times that one could count? We sit outside and watch kids jump on the tramp. We’d grill burgers and laugh as we shared stories. The evenings would go late because we just enjoyed each other’s company so much.
Yeah… This summer hasn’t looked like that. Not. At. All.
And it’s been hard, because I had no idea things were going to be different.
Sometimes life changes and we don’t see it coming. Amen?
These changes aren’t necessarily bad or intentional or wrong.
They just… are.
Kids grow up and interests change. Demands and schedules don’t easily align. Activities and vacations fall at different times.
And when that happens, it’s easy to find yourself navigating the summer activities with your kids … alone.
I’m not sure what about that really bothers me, because the truth is… I love alone-time. I am an introvert at the core, and crave those times where it’s just… me.
And honestly, I really, really like my kids. The three of us have a great time together. They make me laugh like few can. They’re at an age where I don’t necessarily have to be a part of the playtime… freeing me up to read or write or lose myself in Pinterest (Lord, help me).
And then God shows me something.
I realize this summer-loneliness bothers me because it triggers something bigger in me. It’s a familiar message that continues to replay in my mind.
– It reminds me I’m not good enough to be included.
– It reinforces I’m not part of the gang anymore. Rejected and unaccepted.
– It reiterates I’m not worth the effort to connect.
And because of the words spoken over me when I was a little girl, those beliefs run so deep within me.
But God is replacing them with His truth. And it’s a painful process. It takes intentionality on my part to choose not to believe those lies.
Because they aren’t true.
– I am loved.
– I am worth it.
– I am enough.
And while I still struggle with my self-worth, I am making a conscious decision to believe I am who God says I am.
– fearfully and wonderfully made
– a treasured possession
– fully loved, accepted, and forgiven
Most of the time, I do believe. But other times, it takes me a while to land on the truth.
And God is so patient with me, reminding me daily how much I am loved. He continues to show His faithfulness to make me whole-hearted by healing those painful places inside.
But most of all, God is showing me that only He can fill that lonely space.
I pray… “Father, I feel so alone and I need a friend right now. Would You please be that for me? Would you fill my day with Your sweet presence? Remind me that You are all I need, and that the people and things of this world cannot satisfy.”
And then I realize… I am not alone in it.
What lies are you believing? How is God speaking His truth into your life?
©2013 Carey Scott