Sometimes into my pillow, sometimes right at the one who triggered my insecurity, and other times because my ability to hold it all together is failing.
Then there are those times that actually I do.
And yesterday was one of those days.
Just like for you, I’d imagine… there are circumstances and situations that have the power to knock our feet right out from under us.
I have a few.
And the Enemy knows them.
Even though I’ve been a Jesus-follower for many, many years… these things hurt. And as much as I wish I was above “acting out” when an old wound gets poked, I’m not always.
Yes, I know what the Bible says about trusting. And believing. And seeking His face.
I know them. I speak of them. I write about them.
I try to walk them out in my life.
… my human condition gets the best of me, and I feel out of control. Fear overwhelms me. And it manifests as anger mixed with tears, and a paralyzing sense of helplessness.
I get frustrated that God doesn’t seem… bigger.
I feel abandoned, like He has forgotten me.
Forgotten our battle.
… and yesterday I felt this way.
So I tried to pray in faith, hoping to sound mature with my words and eloquent in my requests. Thinking it might spark God into action.
You know, trying to be all holy and impress the One who knows me better than I know myself.
But that quickly gave way to me screaming for God to do something.
Because it’s what I was feeling in my heart.
I wasn’t yelling as much AT Him… but FOR Him to intervene.
You see, I’ve been patient.
I’ve done all the “right” things.
I’ve tried to follow the “miracle” formula to fix it once and for all.
I bet you have, too.
But when it keeps coming up again… and again… and again…
When I’m giving it all I’ve got… over and over and over.
I eventually get mad.
Because I can’t seem to make it go away, and He doesn’t seem to be anywhere in sight.
And I’m out of answers.
I’m out of ideas.
I’m out of energy.
I’m tired of waiting.
And I’m tired of wearing a brave face.
But somehow, when I’ve reached the end of me (which can take a long time), my screaming prayers turn into surrendering prayers.
“Lord, forgive my unbelief and restore my trust in You. Remind me of Your faithfulness. Please be big right now, because I cannot do this anymore. I’m struggling to keep perspective. I don’t understand why things don’t change… won’t change. Father, help me.”
Oh girls, I need Jesus.
And just like that, a welcomed calmness washes over me.
The perfect words I need to encourage another fill my brain, and it’s as if a fog rolls back and I’m able see the issue with fresh clarity.
And it’s God.
That peace reminds me that He really is there… right in the middle of that whopper of a struggle.
I remember places in the Word where He whispers, “Carey, I won’t abandon you in it.”
And even though it sometimes feels like He has, God promises to never remove His presence from my need.
And in that instant, I feel strong for the battle again.