Always have been… always will be.
Now had it been done my way, they would have been filed last February.
But they weren’t. And we are just a few weeks shy of the due date and they are still… not… done.
Can I be honest?
Everything in me wants to scream. Especially since we should be getting a decent chunk of money back and could really use it right now.
But I haven’t screamed.
As a matter of fact, I’ve decided to step back from micro-managing this process.
- I’m not asking him when they’ll be done.
- I’m not dropping subtle hints that they are due… soon.
- I’m not offering to help with them.
Instead of worrying about it, I’ve decided to trust that my husband will rise to the occasion.
Sisters… if you knew me… you’d giggle at how very different this response is from what it used to be. My heart for my man and my marriage has shifted. And this is a huge step in my surrendering journey.
I wonder if you are seeing some big breakthrough, too.
It’s good for us to intentionally take that step back. Sometimes unless we do, he won’t take that necessary step forward.
It’s good for us to keep our mouths shut… instead of nagging him and judging his action plan. (duct tape works wonders)
It’s good for us to let them take the reins… rather than always being the one in charge.
As capable, intelligent, educated wives, we tend to crowd our husbands rather than give them the room they need to lead their way.
We naturally believe that our way is best… since it’s how we’ve always done it.
We worry things won’t get done… and so we micro-manage their efforts.
We become overly preoccupied with their success or failure.
We wait and watch and find ourselves sitting in that lofty judgment seat.
You know what?
Those responses to our husband’s leadership abilities are the complete opposite of surrendering.
Managing our husbands and surrendering to them cannot co-exist. You have to choose one or the other.
So, think about it.
Are you crowding him?
Well, you might be crowding your husband if…
You threaten to hire the neighbor kid to mow since the lawn is longer than you’d like it to be, and he hasn’t mowed it yet.
You regularly check the pile of bills, and then remind him about what payments are due by what date.
You’re frustrated the project has stalled, and so you offer to finish it rather than wait on him to get it done.
Instead of letting him learn his own lessons, you go down a check list of items he needs for work as he’s walking out the door.
Rather than risk it piling up, you remind him that trash day is tomorrow.
When we manage our husband’s efforts… and schedules… and chores… and ability to be an adult… it’s just another nasty form of control.
Sometimes we control and crowd them with our actions, our words, and our tone.
But other times we use… our silence.
Without speaking a word, my husband can always tell when my sense of urgency doesn’t align with his. He can tell when I am not pleased with how he is handling something. He knows when my frustration level is rising without me opening my mouth.
He can read my non-verbal clues.
My facial expression hides nothing.
Regardless of if I say it out loud or not, he feels… crowded.
Chances are it’s the same in your marriage.
And when our husbands sense that we’re unhappy with how they are managing their lives and family responsibilities, one of two things can happen:
- They feel defeated, lose self-confidence and step back so we can take control again, or
- They become angry and defensive that we don’t trust their ability to function as an adult.
Either way, intimacy takes a huge hit.
A surrendered wife is willing to take the risk of trusting her husband and his timing… rather than sending the message that he’s not good enough.
For a man, the “you-are-not-good-enough” message is a very dangerous one for them to receive.
Because it can become a truth they believe about themselves … and a truth you begin to believe about them, too.
And as we’ve learned, our husbands have a deep need for us to respect who they are. It’s vital.
So I wonder… are you micro-managing your man and your marriage?
Be careful, because:
It’s not healthy.
It’s not honoring.
It’s not how God designed it.
REALITY CHECK: Your husband is fully capable of meeting any challenges that arise, and can learn his own lessons, too. Don’t manage who he is, what he does, or how he does it. It’s not your job.
©2013 Carey Scott
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Concept taken from The Surrendered Wife