To the man who molested me,
You’ve been a part of my memory for most of my life. The things you said… the things you did… have tainted my ability to truly love myself.
That day forever changed me.
While I didn’t understand what was happening, I unconsciously made an agreement with you about who I was, and who I should become. And since I’ve never been able to be that woman, I’ve struggled to be comfortable in my own skin.
… I’ve hated you for that.
It started out like any other day. I woke up happy. The world was good. Adults were safe. And evil didn’t exist.
And as I jumped on my tricycle, I had no idea I was peddling away from life as I knew it.
When I let my mind wander back, I can hear the sounds coming from the tools of the construction crew you worked with.
I remember you taking my hand in the midst of the busyness and leading me into that room… closing the door behind us.
I can feel the confusion and fear stir in my stomach now as I recall how you made me look at the images of naked women in a magazine. And I remember your anger when I tried to look away.
I remember how you escorted me from one room to another, closing yet another door to my innocence.
When I close my eyes, I can see you lifting me onto the ironing board. It seemed so out of place.
I can conjure up the rush of emotions I felt in that room… the ones telling me this was wrong. And while I cannot bring your face into focus, I’ve never been able to blur out the way you touched me or the way you asked me to touch you.
I remember how I screamed for help, only to realize my voice never made it past my lips. But your voice did. I can recall, with great clarity, the words you spoke to me.
“This is your fault. If you tell anybody, you will be in trouble.
You are bad and dirty and will never be worth… anything.”
Who says such a thing to a 4-year-old?
Who does such a thing to a 4-year-old?
And as you turned and walked out of my life forever, your words sank into me… took root… and became part of my DNA.
For most of my life, they’ve held such power over me. I have whole-heartedly believed them. I’ve struggled to feel beautiful… valuable.
The words you spoke over me have been like heavy weights, dragging me deeper and deeper into a pit of worthlessness.
… I’ve hated you for that.
Sometimes I wonder if you remember me – if you recall what happened. Does it haunt you? Or have you buried it deep, distancing yourself from it.
Was I the first of many… or the only one?
While our encounter may never cross your mind, it’s forever etched in mine.
But God has been reworking the effects of that day.
– He is removing those words of hate that you spewed all over me, and replacing them with the truth of who I really am.
– He is untangling my self-esteem from the places you tied it, and anchoring it in Him instead.
– He is healing my little 4-year-old heart, showing me that I am good enough.
– He has saved me from living a life of defeat and destruction.
And while this process has been painful… and scary… and lonely… and long… it’s working.
Psalm 34:18 says “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those whose spirits are crushed.”
I’m living proof.
So I’m writing to tell you that you no longer have power over me. Your words and actions are only a part of my past… not my future.
So no matter what shame or guilt has been attached to that day, God has removed it. It wasn’t mine to carry, anyway.
And you know what…
I am beautiful.
I hold great value in the eyes of my Daddy.
I am more than good enough.
I am powerful.
And I am greatly loved by my Creator.
Because of those truths, what you meant for harm… has been Divinely trumped.
And as a result, I no longer hate you. Even more… I forgive you.
But rest assured, there will come a day when you will answer to my Heavenly Father for the things you did to me.
… and justice will be served.
©2013 Carey Scott