My husband has been very frustrated with the budget lately.
The system he’s using to track the ups and downs of our cash flow isn’t reflecting the bank’s accounting. He’s tried to tweak it, but the process is time-consuming.
And when things don’t go smoothly, he gets frustrated and overwhelmed.
It’s a pretty common reaction, really.
He’s been making comments like…
“The whole budget is a mess! I can’t make it work.”
and…
“We blew it last month, and I’m not sure what to do.”
This is what the book, The Surrendered Wife, refers to as… “BAIT.”
It’s a subconscious (and sometimes conscious) tactic to get us to take back control of that specific area. For many of our husbands, they are walking in a new territory and facing problems they are not used to fixing. They’re just not sure what to do.
Why?
Because we’ve been controlling most things in our marriages and in our families for years.
Sisters… that’s not necessarily a badge of honor.
Through this process, we’re coming to understand it’s actually a relational dysfunction.
And since we are committed to becoming Godly wives who respect our husbands as God-designed heads of our homes… this journey is a good one.
We’ve decided we want better marriages.
We’ve agreed to give up control in some appropriate areas and let our men lead instead.
And so understand that this “BAIT” behavior is common and to be expected at this stage of the journey.
Remember, this isn’t only new territory for you.
But here’s my advice when your man tries to hook you back into old patterns.
RESIST
Don’t help him figure it out.
Don’t take the control back.
You see, this is such a critical part of his journey… as well as yours.
Rather than swoop in and fix the problem, we need our husbands to know that we trust them to find a solution.
We need to let them figure things out on their own.
- When he tells you the budget is a mess, tell him you are glad he’s taking care of it.
- When he asks what he should fix for a snack, tell him you’re not sure.
- When he wants to know what time you need to leave for church, ask him what he thinks would be best.
I know, I know.
We are completely capable of making these decisions.
We are intelligent and have discernment.
And yes, we want to help our husbands when they need it.
But sisters… unless we step out of that “we have all the answers” role… they will never step into it.
This really IS helping our husbands.
Can you see that?
Think about it. Our men are smart and capable in their careers, but lack that same confidence … at home.
They’ve become complacent and passive because we have always been willing to step up.
The result is an atrophied leadership muscle in our husbands.
So when we refuse to take the bait… when we refuse to re-engage… when we refuse to figure everything out… we are encouraging them to exercise and strengthen those muscles.
But here’s where we run into trouble.
When Wayne announces the budget is a mess and he can’t make it work…
I start to panic.
I begin to worry.
I feel vulnerable.
I launch into fear.
And then my desire to control raises its ugly head.
Can you relate to these responses in situations within your own marriage?
This is where prayer becomes vital.
“Father, I feel so unsettled and afraid that we are headed into financial ruin. My flesh wants to fix this… but I know that is NOT your plan, and so I am deciding to trust You in Wayne’s journey to become the leader in our home. Give me Your peace. Remind me of Your provision. Show me Your plan. Amen.”
And then God gently brings this scripture to mind:
“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” (Matthew 6:34 MSG)
What a gracious God.
Sisters… we have to trust God.
- We don’t jump in and take over.
- We don’t mention their complacency.
- We don’t remind them to do something.
- We don’t ask if things are done.
- We don’t take the bait.
Instead… we trust that God is working it out in our husbands. We choose to believe that He is part of the plan.
We surrender to our Creator.
There are situations, however, where we should give our thoughts and opinions.
Surrendering does NOT mean your voice is less important.
It just means your voice isn’t the only one.
When the opportunity comes up to let your husband know your preference… your desire… share it.
- Let him know what movie you’d like to see on date night.
- Take part in choosing the family’s vacation spot.
- Share your opinion on which new carpet you like best.
Never forget that what you think… what you want… and what you need matters.
But when he wants your opinion on what he should do… refuse to take the bait.
Let him make his own decision.
When Wayne mentioned his frustration with the budget situation this last weekend… I said, “Hmmm. Whatcha gonna do?” on the outside. But on the inside, I cried out to God, “Help me surrender in this situation!”
I know Wayne will figure it out.
- He is intelligent.
- He loves his family.
- He wants to lead.
So… I stand back and let him. I pray for the ability to let my husband make decisions. I trust that God is in every situation. I ask God to build Wayne’s confidence.
I’m challenging you to do the same thing in your marriage.
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REALITY CHECK: As your husband is developing his leadership muscle in your home, help him by refusing to take back control of things he’s struggling to learn. Remember he is smart and capable, so show him you trust his abilities!
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©2013 Carey Scott
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Concept taken from The Surrendered Wife
“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” (Matthew 6:34 MSG)
Instead… we trust that God is working it out ….. We surrender to our Creator.
Girl – these words so resonated with me today – so glad you are hearing God’s voice in your journey to surrender – you are doing a great job – and God is smiling!
In January, I recognized that I’ve spent far too many years meddling in my kids’ lives, doing things for them instead of teaching them to be independent. So I performed a radical “parent-ectomy” with our almost 21-year-old daughter: no more joint checking account, no more figuring out her college finances, no more making her quarterly schedule. (Why I was doing any of those in the first place is a whole ‘nother story!)
As I began to learn new non-meddling habits, I suddenly became aware of how much of a “meddle mother” I’ve been to my husband thru the 23 years of our marriage!
Mail came addressed to him, and I started to open it, “Because he NEVER does paperwork.”
He didn’t come home for lunch, and I reached for the cell phone to see if I should take him food (not out of concern for him, but for my evening if he came home w/a hunger headache).
A work “situation” arose and “pray without ceasing” took on entirely new meaning as I tried to simply bite my tongue.
I am amazed by how many actions/inactions and words/silences I can turn into bait!
Thank you for your transparency and practical wisdom!
Cheri… don’t you love how God opens our eyes! LOL. He wants to heal us and restore us and help us live joy-filled, transformed lives! Oh girl…I love that you are so intentional in walking this out. Bless you!
Really good post Carey, the bait thing is huge isn’t it? Your journey is inspiring and i appreciate your candor as you go through this! A real blessing.
Glad to have you along, Shanyn!
I actually said, just after reading your post, “Dear don’t go there, I’m not taking the bait!”…then we talked a bit about things. It was a great opener to a real conversation.
My husband is taking over the finances on Friday and what a relief. Finally, he can see where the money goes and how much we need to survive and I will finally not be the gate keeper of the money. He’s very good with money so I rest knowing he’s going to do a great job. I’m so glad to finally give up this area of control too. Being aware of the “bait” is a very good thing. Thanks for the advice!
Blessings,
Mel
Please feel free to stop by: Trailing After God
Mel… it’s gonna be good! And you hit the nail on the head. They need to see how the money comes in and how it goes out so they are more connected to it. Enjoy the freedom!
I have some questions about surrendering in the finances to your hubs. Long before I met my hubs, he was taking care of his finances and failing at it miserably because of ADHD and learning disabilities especially when it comes to math. (He’s always gotten very poor grades in math. And let’s not even talk about college algebra, despite my efforts and a tutor’s to help him grasp the concepts.) Bills were never paid. His checking account was way overdrawn. We agreed from the beginning it would be better for me to take care of the finances and keep them in order, with some ground rules about how money is spent and bills are taken care of. We still have daily discussions so he’s aware of our cash flow. He leaves it up to me to take care of anything financial.
After reading all of this, now I’m feeling like a failure because we agree that our finances need to be taken care of by me and that it wouldn’t be wise to turn it over to him. Any advice?
And the bait. What do you do when you calmly try to trust in your husband’s decisions even when they’re baiting you, and your husband throws a downright temper tantrum (for lack of a better term) because you’re refusing to help even knowing that he is perfectly capable of taking care of the situation himself? I’ve learned that this is common where you have an ADHD spouse and non-ADHD spouse, that very emotional, angry reactions happen when they’re feeling even a tad frustrated.
Rachael… I am not familiar with the challenges that come with having an ADHD spouse, but maybe the best move is for you to continue handling the finances. I love that you keep him up to date on it, though, because that does keep him connected to your money. And hear me… YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE for handling the finances. I know other families where the wives are just better at it, for whatever reason. Do what works for you. There is no cookie-cutter pattern for you to follow. Regarding the temper tantrums, you’ll have to judge based on your knowledge of your husband, if this is his normal pattern or if this isn’t something that will work in your situation. Maybe consider getting the book The Surrendered Wife. There may be some other areas in your marriage that might make more sense to surrender in. Again sweet sister… find what works best for your marriage. God sees your efforts. I do, too.
Rachel – Mine has ADHD too, and so I’m the one doing finances as well. We just lost too much money and had too many problems. We both decided he should put every attentional ability he had in to being attentive to our kids and his job. I know what you mean about the temper tantrums. Mine’s are like implosions where we don’t talk for a while. He is so self-conscious of what’s a struggle for him and he’s been dealing with that for so long that when we cross paths, he’s got about 30 years of other moments he felt like a failure cropping up too. Have medications or OT helped your husband? They pretty much saved our marriage….
Laurie… thanks for your words of wisdom for Rachael!
Rachael, I’ve seen that too – the emotional reaction to hubby w/ADHD’s perceived failures. When they’ve lived with that issue – in my husband’s case, untreated until he was 35…. thus 35 years of feeling like he was a failure and couldn’t be “normal” like everyone else – it’s high emotions everywhere! They get really mad at themselves for the things they miss, the cues they miss, the tasks they miss. It has to feel horrible for a man to feel like he literally CAN’T be a man in some ways, like he’s struggling just to keep up with the social dynamics of a conversation because attention is so sporadic and takes so much work. For mine, medication and OT pretty much saved our marriage. And we didn’t get to asking for those resources until after two fost/adoptions and a baby… when I was literally seeing red every day because I was trashed by being a “single mom” to very high-intensity kids when my husband was in the next room not even noticing. Are there any supports like that (meds, therapy, support group) that your husband might be able to tap into? When it’s truly not a 50-50 relationship, you two as a team have to get some supports or it’s going to be a tough road.
Well, I just LOVED this! Just yesterday I had wanted more input (control) with our tax refund. Yes, surrender it! Good message!
Monica… God’s timing, eh? Thanks for stopping by and glad you are part of MT!
Great post Carey I never really thought about it like that. Thanks for posting this.
Hi Crystal! Thanks for stopping by!
Excellent post! Avoiding the bait is also the key to avoiding arguments, avoiding saying or doing something that is disrespectful, and avoiding unnecessary stress caused by making more decisions than we have to. This principle of surrender has made a huge difference in my marriage and my life in general!
On a side note, Carey, you should consider becoming a Surrendered Wife Coach/Trainer! You did a wonderful job of describing this principle! 🙂
Gladys… you are so gracious! Thank you, sister. And I love what you added as benefits to avoiding the bait. You are spot-on!
My husband has requested I do the budget and pay the bills (as in, log in online and do it). Isn’t part of respecting your husband and being submissive doing what he asks of you? Especially something that is not degrading, sinful, or imposing? Throwing it back on him once he’s requested you do it seems a little manipulative and disrespectful, especially if he struggles at it, doesn’t like to be on the computer, and knows you have a better head for working in the details.