“Lord Jesus, please give me patience. Please, please help me. Keep my mouth shut so I don’t say things to intentionally hurt my kids. Lord, I need you … right … now.”
This was the prayer I said in the shower last week.
Crying.
Angry.
Overwhelmed.
I’d forgotten how the start of school created chaos in our home. We’d go from the lazy days of summer to the crazy days of school, sprinkled with sports, homework… and drama.
Lots of drama.
And as promised, the beginning of this year was no different.
So after a few days of fits and tears, I had hit my limit and everyone knew it.
Can I just be real with you for a minute? It took everything in me not to verbally annihilate my 5th and 6th grader.
Oh I just wanted to say the meanest, cruelest, most hurtful things I could muster. In my anger and frustration, I wanted to lash out at my kids for being… well… kids.
Oh girls, I need to know someone understands.
How can I reconcile these horrible feelings when I am crazy in love with my children? How can I can encourage them one moment, and then want my words to sting the next?
Why would those thoughts even pop into my mind?
So instead of leaving a devastating imprint on the hearts of my children, I took a shower. And through the tears and soap, I ask God to give me the patience I needed to love my kids.
That was a good shower.
I’ve been sitting with this for a while, asking the Lord to show me what is under it all. You see, most of the time I am a grace-based parent. I absolutely adore being a mom to Sam and Sara. Our family has so much fun together, and we sadly just said goodbye to an amazing summer. I’m pretty chill with my kids.
So this rush of anger and lack of patience was a red flag that something in my life was out of whack.
Thinking back over the past few months, I realized…
– We had missed a lot of church because of schedules and laziness.
– I hadn’t been writing much, and blogging is a major connecting point for me and God.
– Most of my alone time with God had either been rushed or skipped altogether.
It was the equation for disaster:
And just “me” really is a disaster.
I’m meaner… I live in fear… I pick up offenses… I am quicker to anger… I get weary… I gossip and judge… I feel like the victim… I hold grudges… I am cranky… I’m selfish… I pick fights…
… and want to yell at my kids instead of encourage them.
Get the picture?
When we allow ourselves to disconnect from Jesus, we get into trouble. We just can’t do life well without Him.And girls, we aren’t designed to.
“I am the Vine; you are the branches. Whoever lives in Me and I in him bears much (abundant) fruit. However, apart from Me [cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing.”
John 15:5
God heard my prayer from the shower that day, and He gave me the patience I asked for. I felt cleaned up on the outside and on the inside, because I reconnected with the Giver of all things.
Yes, my home is still filled with some drama… but my heart is filled with Jesus.
And because of that, I can handle it all.
How do you best connect with Jesus?
♥♥♥
©2013 Carey Scott
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Carey thank you for sharing your not perfect mommy moment. The enemy comes in so quickly and brings on shame that I am a horrible mom for not being Christ like all the time. Yep still very much in process. How I long to love unconditionally, to walk with words of encouragement and smell like flowers 🙂 (or cookies!). Yet, God longs for us to turn to Him – stumbles, fumbles and all. WOW – what an incredible God we serve. Thank you for another vivid example of God’s faithfulness to transform us in our weakness and “ugly” moments! 🙂
I know, Jeanelle! I want to be that affirming, loving, patient mom all the time, too. But I’m learning that the only way I can even begin to try… is with Him.
Oh girl- I love how courageous you are to be so honest and vulnerable. Yes I see you. Yes I have those moments. But God… He always comes in on his white horse to rescue us… I long to be the mommy with endless patience and compassion, and God showed me at a women’s retreat that it always starts with Him and pours out of me… So freeing. To think I don’t have to muster it up or do a behavior management class or… It’s always Him. And He’s always enough….
Love this space to process real life with a Real Savior! Love you!
Amanda… you are right! It does always start with Him. I really mess up when I venture out ahead of God. Thanks for your thoughts!