Alone.
This summer could be defined by that word.
Ok, yes… I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my kids. And, yes… we’ve done some really fun things. I’ve loved the late nights and lazy mornings. Our time with family has been sweet.
But I still feel alone in it.
Are you tracking with me?
Remember when our kids were young and we’d travel in packs together? We’d plan something almost every day together. Monday the park. Tuesday the pool. Wednesday the backyard. Thursday the zoo. Friday the park again.
Remember when our kids were on the same summer sports teams, so we’d bring our lawn chairs and pretend to watch our kids at practice? We’d hide behind the shelter of our sunglasses, because in reality… we were talking 90 miles an hour and solving the world’s problems rather than paying attention to what was happening on the field.
Remember when we’d get together as families more times that one could count? We sit outside and watch kids jump on the tramp. We’d grill burgers and laugh as we shared stories. The evenings would go late because we just enjoyed each other’s company so much.
Yeah… This summer hasn’t looked like that. Not. At. All.
And it’s been hard, because I had no idea things were going to be different.
Sometimes life changes and we don’t see it coming. Amen?
These changes aren’t necessarily bad or intentional or wrong.
They just… are.
Kids grow up and interests change. Demands and schedules don’t easily align. Activities and vacations fall at different times.
And when that happens, it’s easy to find yourself navigating the summer activities with your kids … alone.
That’s me.
Alone.
I’m not sure what about that really bothers me, because the truth is… I love alone-time. I am an introvert at the core, and crave those times where it’s just… me.
And honestly, I really, really like my kids. The three of us have a great time together. They make me laugh like few can. They’re at an age where I don’t necessarily have to be a part of the playtime… freeing me up to read or write or lose myself in Pinterest (Lord, help me).
And then God shows me something.
I realize this summer-loneliness bothers me because it triggers something bigger in me. It’s a familiar message that continues to replay in my mind.
– It reminds me I’m not good enough to be included.
– It reinforces I’m not part of the gang anymore. Rejected and unaccepted.
– It reiterates I’m not worth the effort to connect.
And because of the words spoken over me when I was a little girl, those beliefs run so deep within me.
So. Deep.
But God is replacing them with His truth. And it’s a painful process. It takes intentionality on my part to choose not to believe those lies.
Because they aren’t true.
– I am loved.
– I am worth it.
– I am enough.
And while I still struggle with my self-worth, I am making a conscious decision to believe I am who God says I am.
– fearfully and wonderfully made
– a treasured possession
– fully loved, accepted, and forgiven
Most of the time, I do believe. But other times, it takes me a while to land on the truth.
And God is so patient with me, reminding me daily how much I am loved. He continues to show His faithfulness to make me whole-hearted by healing those painful places inside.
But most of all, God is showing me that only He can fill that lonely space.
I pray… “Father, I feel so alone and I need a friend right now. Would You please be that for me? Would you fill my day with Your sweet presence? Remind me that You are all I need, and that the people and things of this world cannot satisfy.”
And then I realize… I am not alone in it.
REALITY CHECK
What lies are you believing? How is God speaking His truth into your life?
♥♥♥
©2013 Carey Scott
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I am right. there. with. you. This has been the loneliest summer. EVER. And I have the exact same struggles with insecurity and self-worth. And I struggle with believing the same lies of not being good enough to be included etc., convinced that NO ONE likes me. But you know what? All this time I’ve been praying that the Lord would SEND me a friend. And I’ve been walking around church and school and wal-mart, looking, searching, their eyes, “Are you THE friend the Lord is sending me?” I never once thought to ask Him to be my friend in the way that you stated it above. I mean, I know He is everything. But the way you worded it above has triggered something in my heart and spirit today. <3 Thank you, Sweet Friend.
Lorna… how I wish we could chat over coffee! I’m so glad to know God met you in my words. Bless you!
This is my alone summer too – with a few days of together and fun. Two living spaces hours apart, so much in the limbo clouds as to where God is sending us. It does feel like rejection, when after I drive for hours to see them and they are too busy with other things to be happy to see me (or so it feels!). Rejection is such a pervasive lie, and one that I have carried since childhood and still struggle with.
Great post my sister, and I wish we were closer so we could spend some time together! Come visit won’t you?
Love your phrase… “rejection is a pervasive lie.” I will amen you on that one, Shanyn. Oh, and a visit would be fun!!
Thanks Carey. 🙂 One day we shall have that visit in person!
I too have felt abandoned and left out by a friend who I thought was very close to me. I had been really letting it overwhelm me to the point that it made me so sad. And then I realized, I don’t need to feel abandoned and left out – aside from all of my family and other friends that I have – most importantly I have God! HE is the best truest friend that we could ever hope for. He is leading me closer to Him and further from that other relationship and I feel I’m seeing the reason why. Thank you for posting this and I’m so sorry for everyone who is feeling that terrible feeling of rejection – but we need to remember we are a child of the 1 almighty God – He is the Father of heaven and earth. He knit us together in our mothers’ wombs and He has a purpose for us. He will never leave us or forsake us! Thank you, Jesus, for always being exactly what I need even when I don’t know that I need it.
Great wisdom in your words!!
Wow – wisdom – me??? hehe I just finished with Beth Moore’s Believing God bible study and it has really reminded me to actively believe what God has told me about ME and about Him.
I love you!! Thank you for sharing this as we all have seasons of feeling very alone and yet we can trust the Lord to provide the intimacy, friendship and love we were created for. This is part of the way we learn to draw closer to Him. Yet it can be so painful. So thank you for this much needed reminder that loneliness is real but it is a choice on where we allow this emotion to take us.
Jeanelle… I agree that we must choose our reaction to loneliness. Oh so hard to see the truth behind our feelings, but so important to see what the trigger is under it all.
Carey it’s as if you looked right into my heart and spoke the words that I am very often afraid to speak. Thanks for that and for always being willing to speak the hard things.
Bev… Thank you for such encouragement!
Carey,
I loved your post.. it made me cry…. it is so true!! God is the only thing that can TRULY satisfy my loneliness. You just said it soooo eloquently!! I loved the picture, too. I am going to forward this post to some people that I think might really need to hear this word.
Anyway – I am at a different place in my life – my children are grown, some married, some living at home. But, let me tell you – there is nothing more lonely than being in a house full of people!! Sacrificing your life, raising the children, and then becoming irrelevant. As I’m typing I hear how “dramatic” that sounds…. but, I’m going through a rough time right now… I’m having a little pity party…. I think that’s why I really needed to hear God’s Words… through you…. thank you. You are a blessing!!!
Tassie… I’m sorry you are in a hard season. Life can be so very big. Thankful that God spoke to you through my words! Be blessed, sweet sister!
Well, looks like you hit a raw nerve here. Add me to this long list of alone ones this summer. For many years I was intimately involved in a wonderful group of close friends. we were all on staff together at a large church. You can guess where this is going huh? Staff changes happened unexpectedly and 4 couples are now living far away and here we sit wondering how to start over in our late 50’s. ugh!
But HE is here.
Susie… Yes He is, indeed!
Thanks for the encouragement. I am too trusting God to fill the space my heart longs to be filled.
Keep waiting, Melanie!