I want to quit

I’m done. I am quitting.

I’ve said those words so many times over the past few weeks.

And I’ve meant them.

I am struggling to find joy, much less keep it. My heart feels heavy. I’m easily annoyed and quickly frustrated. Giving grace is challenging. And I wonder if it’s really worth it.

Can I just be honest with you?

Ministry isn’t for the faint of heart. And its easy to fall into a destructive pattern of always pouring out.

When I run across a relevant scripture, I want to share it. When I learn a life lesson, I want to unpack it. When I see God’s intervention, I want to blog about it. When something connects with my heart, I want to pass it along.

And rather than keep it for myself … treasure it … meditate on it … receive it…

… I re-gift it.

I give it away.

Instead of letting it fill me up and connecting me with the only One who can restore my soul, I quickly hand it off to others.

Because I so want for YOU to really know and understand God’s love and affection for you. I want you to believe that God heals and delivers and restores. I want to remind you that God deeply delights in who He made you to be.

And in my passion to fill you up with truth, so often (too often) I find myself empty.

Now I know all the “Christian” things to say here. I’ve been in ministry long enough to know where I went wrong, why my soul is dry, and what I need to do to be restored again.

But in that ledge-dwelling place I’ve been for the past few weeks… throwing tantrums and ugly crying… wanting to step out of ministry and disappear… I’ve had some honest conversations with God. And we’ve re-established some things. We’ve re-worked some things. He and I have made plans to re-group.

He’s been so sweet to me.

God has sent unexpected messages to me through some of you. Your out-of-the-blue emails have deeply affirmed me. You’ve shown gratitude for what I do. And you’ve trusted me with parts of your story.

Thank you.

You know, it may look as if I have it all together – like life couldn’t be any better. It may appear I have all the answers and bottomless encouragement. And maybe you think I am something more than I really am (<— oh gosh, I hope not).

The truth is friend, I’m just a fellow traveler on my own journey. It can be messy and feel overwhelming. I can be snarky and needy and insecure. And sometimes I need my friends to pick me up off the floor and dust me off.

But I’m learning that my only hope to walk this life out well … is Jesus. (please read that again)

My guess is you’ve been in this place before too.

Haven’t we all?

So what we can do when we feel like quitting? Well let’s start by asking these questions:

… Am I carrying a spirit of offense (bitterness, anger, unforgiveness)?

… Am I connecting to Jesus in prayer, praise and petition?

… Am I convinced this is God’s plan for me?

Sit with these. Ask God for answers. Pray. Listen. And wait for clarity before you take that next step.

Even if you feel like giving up.