In last week’s blog post, I announced my journey to become a surrendered wife… and I invited you to walk this path with me.
I’m learning how to come into alignment with God’s perfect design for a wife surrendered to her husband.
Not a doormat wife.
Not a no-opinion wife.
Not a dumbed-down wife.
Not a subservient wife.
But rather one who is intentional in stepping into the God-created role of wife, which He designed to bring out the best in both me and Wayne.
When I mentioned this journey to a friend of mine, she laughed out loud saying, “YOU are going to give up control? YOU are going to let Wayne lead? YOU are going to trust him with the finances? Wow… this I gotta see.”
Might your friends react the same way?
Just the other day, I had the chance to exercise this new muscle. It’s a silly example, but one that perfectly highlights my point…
Our phone conversation looked like this:
Wayne: “Honey, can I stop and get anything for you on the way home?”
Me: “That would be great! Could you get some tuna-flavored cat food?”
But when he got home, I discovered that the cat food he bought was… chicken-flavored. Not tuna, like I asked.
Three different responses went through my mind. I could respond like the…
UN-surrendered Carey: “Wayne, I said tuna not chicken. Let me have the receipt. I go exchange it tomorrow.”
(Wayne hears: I screwed up again. I can never make her happy.)
MID-surrendered Carey: “Um, thanks.” Then to myself… really?
(Wayne hears: Her words and her tone don’t align. Yep, she’s not happy with me… again.)
FULLY-surrendered Carey: “Thanks for making that stop for me. What a great help!”
(Wayne hears: She appreciates me! I might offer to help more often!)
My response – this time – was as a fully surrendered wife. And to be honest, I really didn’t care that he brought home the wrong flavored food because my cats will happily eat it anyway.
Sisters, I’m trying to change my expectation that all he does and all he says has to be perfect. I’m learning to respect him for who he is, rather than who I think he should be.
What a concept.
RESPECT is huge for men, and a fully surrendered wife will make sure her husband feels it.
When you don’t respect your husband… two things happen:
- He feels emasculated and defeated.
- You feel superior and alone.
And when that happens, you both lose the desire for intimacy… a necessary ingredient for a healthy, thriving marriage.
Our end goal IS a thriving marriage. Yes?
So… what are some ways to RESPECT your husband?
You accept his choices… the good, the bad and the ugly. It doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with him… but you are giving him your vote of confidence anyway. You’re trusting that his way is a good way… even though it’s not your way.
- Don’t question it.
- Don’t dismiss it.
- Don’t criticize or insult it.
Your husband needs to know you support him. This might feel awkward at first, but your husband is an intelligent man… he married you, right?
You listen to him. When he shares his day, his frustrations, his hurts, his concerns… you listen.
- Put down the laptop.
- Close the book.
- Mute the TV.
Give him your attention. Wouldn’t you want the same from him? Rather than treat him like a bothersome child, treat him like an intelligent adult. He doesn’t need to know how he should have handled it. He doesn’t need your advice. Don’t try to solve or fix or tell him how you would have done it, saying “I’m only trying to help.” Just. Listen.
You encourage him. Rather than chastise him when he brings home the wrong flavored cat food, affirm him for helping you out.
- Bite your tongue rather than make an “I told you so” or a “You can’t do it right” remark when he fails.
- Watch your tone.
- Don’t roll your eyes.
- Appreciate his effort without giving suggestions on doing it better.
- Don’t point out every time he does it wrong.
Assume he’s just as smart as you and capable of great things, too.
This is a great place to start our journey.
I’ve heard it said that success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.
When we look inward at ways we can accept better… listen deeper… affirm faster… then we keep from looking outward at all the ways we want to change… them.
Something we’re incapable of doing, anyway.
I know there may be many reasons NOT to surrender to our husbands:
- He is very difficult to love.
- It means swallowing your pride.
- Circumstances might make this extra-challenging.
But God calls us to it in Ephesians 5:22-24.
What is the biggest hurdle in respecting your husband?
Father, thank You for creating marriage. We love our husbands and know You designed them to lead our family. Somewhere along the way, that’s become distorted and we’ve found ourselves out of alignment with the roles you designed for us. Help us affirm our husbands, help us listen to them and give us the ability to encourage them as leaders. We need Your supernatural help to make this change. We’re committed to doing the work and so we call your Kingdom’s power to rest on us now. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
REALITY CHECK: When a husband feels his wife’s respect, he feels like more of a… man.
†††
©2013 Carey Scott
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Wow! Excellent and refreshing Carey! You make Biblical truth come alive!
I agree with what you say even though I have had my ups and downs in this area.
Just recently I submitted in an area that was difficult. In the end, it protected me from wrong accusations. My obedience to obey God ( allow husband to be head of house) has brought more of God’s grace and favor!
Good for you to stand up for the value of being a godly wife!
Theresa… thanks for your encouragement! I’ve had my ups and downs, too. Surrendering is such an unnatural act, but one we’re called to do. Lord, help us! 🙂
Great insight. It works. God has to help me carry this out..daily!
Amazing how much more pleasant life is when I do it.
Mom, I know it’s hard! And you’re so much nicer that I am! 😉
There are some days where my husband REALLY needs to talk about what happened at work and I just can’t hear him. Truly. He has a very technical career, and if I’m not fully present in a conversation, I lose track of what he’s talking about. In trying to be a good wife, I have to say, “OK, so I really want to hear about your day, and I really want to have this conversation, but my brain is elsewhere right now and I can’t really listen. Can we try again after dinner?” I feel like such a schmuck, but no sense in him wasting his breath, right?
And I wouldn’t be picky about cat food, but sometimes I get picky when he brings me flowers. Just once I’d like him to go out of his way and stop at a real florist instead of just at the grocery store. Am I RIDICULOUSLY spoiled or what?
Rachel… I love you, girl! Your honesty is so refreshing. And, I totally get the flower comment. Made me chuckle. 🙂
I am loving this-as this is an area I fail at often. I am just beginning to really take stock of it as we are raising 2 awesome little boys and I want them to see a happy/God pleasing marriage so they know what to look for. I also want to have a marriage that lasts forever with my husband. God’s really been working on me the past 2 years and making it so I am more open to receiving His instruction….I just wish I would have been more receptive years ago. Though happy that He is getting to me while my husband and I are still happily married, even if it took 10 years of marriage to see where I needed to adjust! Thanks for this perspective!!!!!
Heather… I LOVE that you are so mindful of setting the right example for your boys. Oh gosh, girl. That is so stinkin’ smart! I bless your journey and glad you’re taking it with me. 🙂
What a great message today Carey! Thank you for leading us into this God-Created role! I really need to hear what God is speaking through you!
Amanda… so glad to have you along for the journey!!! I appreciate what an intentional wife you are!
You are writing what I totally believe! So many women have no clue; they treat their husbands like 1st graders and wonder why the men are looking elsewhere for respect. Glad to hear your fresh words from He Who created us to be help-meets, not nags. Many people look at the relationship my husband and I have in wonderment, wanting what we have, yet sadly, are not willing to change their thinking to get it. We must keep praying for marriages.
Cyn, so glad to hear from someone who already subscribes to this line of thinking. What an encouragement!
Carey,
I recently told my Christian counselor that I had “fallen away” from living the role of a biblical wife because it “just didn’t come naturally”! He replied, “Of course it didn’t! ALot of what God calls us to do doesn’t come naturally, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it!” It was like a lightbulb moment. Last year I had read the book “Created to be His Helpmeet” and had started to really try to adopt a new way of living, and it made all of the difference in my marriage. But like any new habit, it waned and things went back to the old way. I was the leader of the home and my husband and I settled back into the “parent-child dynamic” (me as the parent and him as a rebellious child). THat is exhausting. So my counselor (God bless him for not telling me to get out of my marriage!) tells me, if you want to be happy in your marriage, go back to what you were doing when things were working well. Even if it is HARD, do it ANYWAY because that is what God is calling you to do!
Thanks for your encouragement to keep on this path:)
Christina C.
Christina, thanks for sharing! Boy, that parent/child relationship with our husbands is so dangerous. I love your counselor’s advice to go back to the way things were best… even if they were hard. That’s wisdom!
Carey – another wonderful post on this journey. Respect is something that needs to be earned and it needs to be mutual. We are facing some challenges and this is helping me immensely. But I would LOVE to hear from the guys too – how do they respond to these changes in their spouse, how are they able to support and encourage us? What about our kids? Can we show them that we are working on doing something new and better for our family, and have them respect those changes? Challenges for sure…thanks again for the love and care in your words girl.
Shanyn… as always, appreciate your comments! I know very few marriages where the wife and husbands and in their God-given roles. I’m excited to see all that God reveals through this journey!
I’m excited to see it as well, we are working on making our marriage better with God at the head…it’s a challenge but one we are working on together prayerfully. Your posts surely encourage me.
Hi Carey,
I am new to your blog, and found you through Facebook and Moms Together. God really has amazing timing, as this is the journey He is leading me on, too. I felt like you were inside my head while reading this post! God is really opening my eyes to how much I seek to control everything. Every. Thing. Sheesh. It’s hard to let go, hard work. Hard to give those surrendered responses instead of the non-surrendered or mid-surrendered/passive-aggressive ones. But the wonderful thing is that that those moments of surrender just open the floodgates for God to work and really start to change my marriage (and my heart).
I also really identify with Rachel’s comment above – my husband is a software developer and works at home, so I am his main ‘sounding board’ for all the issues and problems and frustrations at work. Sometimes I find this overwhelming. But what a blessing for him to be able to have little moments with our daughter, even during his workday!
Thanks for writing with such honesty and truth.
Kim… girl. Wish we could have coffee. 🙂 I’m so glad you’ve been able to identify with my journey. It’s hard to walk it, but so helpful to know others are walking with me. I’m really proud of you for sticking it out, even when it’s hard. God WILL bless it! Glad you’re aboard!