Blogging opens up the doorway to mean-spirited comments. While most respond to your words kindly, there are others who use the screen as a hiding place and leave comments that can cut to the core. And when I started writing a series on marriage, I had no idea people could be so cruel.
Let me back up a little.
My husband and I found ourselves in another tough “season” and sought counseling to help us work through it. Honestly, I don’t like counseling. Without fail, it reminds me that I’m not all that and a bag of chips. I discover the places where I’m the issue when I could have sworn it was all his fault. I mean, who really wants to pay money to hear all that? Amen?
But I’ve learned wise counsel is not only worth the time, money and effort… it’s often necessary to help us navigate rough patches in life.
And just as I expected, the counselor looked at me and said, “Carey, we need to address your control tendencies.” Me. Again. She suggested I take a step back so my husband would have room to step up and lead.
Of course I wanted to scream choice words and throw things in her direction, but I knew she was right. Truth is I was a control-freak, something I learned as a coping mechanism because of childhood abuse. And since my husband grew up in a home where mom ruled the roost, letting me take the lead felt familiar.
But it was backfiring on me. And it was destroying us.
So as I began to make changes in my marriage, a friend suggested I write about it on my blog. Even more, I felt God prompt me to share—real time—about my experiences. I decided that if I was struggling with control, others probably were too. And so a blog post turned into a series.
That’s when the hateful comments began to surface.
The people that spoke up were convinced I was advocating for wives to be submissive and quiet—insinuating their voices weren’t important. That their role was to shut up and do whatever their husband wanted them to do—just like a doormat.
They obviously don’t know me. At all. Because that’s nowhere close to what I believe.
And almost every time I posted a new part of my journey, they were quick to make more rude and mean-spirited comments. Everything in me wanted to stop writing about it. I wanted to quit!
Trying to tame my control-freak tendencies was hard work, and sharing the messiness of that journey was even harder. I didn’t need their hateful words. Nor did I deserve them.
But God had asked me to open up and share with my blog audience. And I had a choice to make: give up or stand up.
As women, sometimes when we face big opposition it stirs up even bigger emotions. And rather than push through, we want to quit.
… Fear of rejection sets in.
… We begin to lose confidence or conviction, and the people-pleaser in us rises up.
… We battle shame, questioning if we are qualified to speak out and wondering if what we have to say even matters.
… We worry about how we’ll do what needs to be done.
And then we run into Luke 6:46. “So why do you call me ‘Lord’ when you won’t obey me” (TLB)? Gulp. And we realize that part of being uncommon is choosing to obey God… even when it’s hard and uncomfortable.
What is God asking you to do that feels too big?
Where is He asking you to move forward even though the opposition looks insurmountable?
Are you paralyzed by insecurities and afraid to take the next step?
Here’s what I know:
Uncommon women stand up for what is right. And obeying God is always the right thing to do.
Well I continued to blog each step of my journey to become less of a control freak in my marriage. It’s wasn’t always pretty, but it was real. And when the hateful comments showed up—because they kept coming—I didn’t let them stop me from doing what God had asked.
I continued to say yes to God.
Listen up friends… If we want to live differently than the world so others see Him because of our words and actions, then being willing to do what God asks of us is vital. We don’t need to worry about the how. We just need to say yes to the now.
It’s common to obey in the easy, right? But… it’s an uncommon choice to obey in the hard.
And the good news is that God will bless both.
So no matter what… in every situation… even when you’re unsure or scared… even when everything in you wants to quit… choose to obey God.
Choose to #beUncommon.
xoxoxo…
Thank you for this reminder! I really needed it today. I have some hard stuff ahead and my insecurities and doubts are screaming no you can’t!
Heather… with Jesus, YOU CAN!!! 🙂
Carey I have always enjoyed your writings. They are very genuine and from the heart. I also struggle daily with control and a husband who doesn’t mind me doing it. When I step back we always grow closer. I just wish it came natural instead of me needing a hard reminder to realize I am leading AGAIN instead of letting him….
I hear you, Tammy! We are in this together!!
Carey,
As tears stream down my face reading this I just feel like I’m reading about myself! The only differences my husband is not a believer. He’s a good man to my children. I have stayed and stayed and stayed because I made a Vow to God! But I truly do not feel needed here what so ever. My kids and then my husband get along just fine without me yelling or bickering. I feel totally rejected & alone and ready to move on! The self-pity is that what it is he doesn’t even want to take the lead because he’s never home he’s only at work! He thinks his work is the most important thing that he can do for his family. And I’m not so sure I would even Care if he came home anymore anyways. I have never felt so out of control I am a control freak yes but not so much anymore I have tried to back down and be quiet… But not about God. Everything about us is opposite. I am going to be attending a marriage counseling soon myself… One that he does not want to attend. When a man says he doesn’t even desire you anymore are we supposed to just stay and say it’s OK?!? I just thank you for this post that I’m not alone but at the same time I’m not sure either way if I stay I’m lonely if I leave I’ll be lonely. I can’t even drive because I lost my license due to eye problems. Yes he has stuck by me and he has worked but he is not here he doesn’t even want to be here I think I’ve already made that part pretty miserable. He does want me to work he does believe a woman should be working in since I’ve lost my site somewhat I still work to do my part but I’m not as good as I used to be added. Is become a burden I feel. And they depend on me to do everything anyway if I would’ve let him take the lead he wouldn’t really want it. I feel lost either way I turn but I know Jesus is still here with me! I just want to do the right thing for Jesus… Am I supposed to stay in a marriage that I’m so sad and miserable in, because I’m scared to leave and leave my almost adult children, to leave my family for what what else is out there?!? I know I need to be grateful I’m not saying I’m not, I’m just saying I haven’t been happy in my marriage for over three years and nothing is getting better! I don’t want my children to think this is the way a marriage is supposed to go either! I have prayed in the power of a praying wife for over 10 years I won’t stop praying but I will say sometimes I wonder if I’m doing the right thing!?!
Thank you for your post and for being real I don’t know why anybody would want to hurt you when you pour out your feelings?!
It’s been a blessing to know that I’m not completely alone feeling this way and that there is still hope!!
Blessings in His love,
R.H.
Oh friend… I am so sorry! I wish I could hug your neck and sit and listen to your heart. I am SO GLAD to know you’re going to see a counselor. As much as I didn’t want to go, it was the BEST thing for me. I am praying for you right now. And every time God brings you to mind I am going to pray again. I trust Him with you, sweet one! And I know that He is in this… even when we cannot see it. I’m asking Him to show you His will for your marriage. I’m asking for His wisdom over you. I’m asking that the peace of Jesus rest on your weary heart right now. Thank you for reaching out to me. Sending a huge ((hug)) to you.
I always love your honesty. Especially beacause I can always relate. You sharing how you worked through things leaning on God is always an encouragement.
I love honesty, too! There is power in testimony!!
Thank you for this. Really hit home today
I’m so glad God met you in my words!
Thanks for this reminder!
Thanks for stopping by, Patti!
Carey, once again you spoke right into my heart. Thank you for being obedient to God and becoming vulnerable. I know it can be hurtful, but many of us reaps the benefits.
Thank you, friend!!
Hi Carey,
Wonderful Blog. I am saddened to hear women not supporting or uplifting other women, especially when sharing a part of your personal life in order to help others. I commend you for sharing and know it has helped. I read your article for Propel Women about our insecurities. I have been struggling for about three years to regain my confidence after an awful experience at a school in which I taught. I had taught for ten years, had good reviews from my Principals. We get a new Principal- to make a long story short- was told many negative things about myself and my teaching. I was crushed and felt defeated. My contract was not renewed. I have lost my confidence to do any kind of job. I found another job which I took just because of the money, not that I thought I would enjoy it. I was let go a year later. I just couldn’t keep up with the demands of the job. More failure. My confidence has hit an all time low. I pray to God to give me the strength and wisdom to push forward, to not let what other people think about me to stand in my way but it is a daily struggle. I can’t imagine what you went through in your childhood growing up, but I am happy that you are where you are now. God has certainly blessed you!
Thanks for sharing,
B.