“Wayne, I can’t figure this out… and I need you to handle it.”
Did I really just say that?
To be honest, I was a bit surprised at how easily those words escaped my mouth.
That phrase has always felt… foreign.
Why?
Because before I decided to walk this journey of surrendering to my husband, those words would have never passed through my lips.
I would have just… handled it.
I’d have figured it out.
But what I am coming to realize is that I DON’T have to figure it all out on my own.
It’s okay for me to be… vulnerable.
As a matter of fact, it’s key to real intimacy in my marriage.
In a world where women are encouraged to manage their families… bring home the bacon… look beautiful at all times… and have all the answers, it’s good for our husbands to see the softer side in us.
Sharing our unguarded-selves encourages them to step up and be the hero.
When I asked my husband to handle this particular situation, he immediately began to find excuses as to why he couldn’t.
I’m too busy today.
I’ve got a meeting to attend.
I don’t know the whole situation.
Just as asking felt foreign to me… jumping into action felt foreign to him.
But I was quick to affirm his ability to handle this… and my inability to take it on.
And after a few minutes, his inner-Superman stepped up.
Could I have effectively handled this situation?
Yes… with a little effort.
But it felt good to not have to tackle this myself. It was nice to let him work out the details instead.
And contrary to my long-standing belief, asking for help was quite freeing.
Through this surrendering process, I’m learning to embrace two simple phrases…
- “I can’t.”
- “I don’t know.”
Rather than allowing fear to keep me functioning as an “I-can-do-it-all-aholic”… I am choosing to instead be vulnerable with my husband.
It’s time to change this old pattern that promotes isolation.
It’s time to break down my walls of protection.
I don’t need them anymore.
You don’t either.
Honestly, I think vulnerability gets a bad rap.
- We consider it a weakness.
- We think it makes us appear incapable.
- It’s seen as a character flaw.
- It is viewed as a limitation.
- We feel like a failure.
But in reality, it’s actually a quite attractive quality to possess.
In my ministry, I encourage women to be real about their lives… fears… struggles… relationships… and challenges all the time.
I truly believe living authentically is the best way to live.
But this journey has exposed just how difficult it’s been for me to show that vulnerability… in my marriage.
Why?
Maybe a lack of confidence in who I was?
Maybe a lack of confidence in who he was?
Regardless, I am now intentional in revealing my need for him… to him. And it’s doing wonders for us individually and as a couple.
I wonder if you are facing that same dynamic.
What if we decided to be… vulnerable… with our men?
- Superman was always there to swoop in and help Lois Lane when she found herself in trouble and unable to handle dangers on her own.
- In the Notebook, when Allie was incapable of living alone due to her Alzheimers… Noah gave up his freedom to live in the nursing home to care for her.
- The Tin Man, Scarecrow and Lion risked death and the Wicked Witch to help the misplaced and meek Dorothy reach Oz safely in the hopes she could return home.
Yes… I know it’s the movies, but this might be one time Hollywood teaches us a valuable, God-designed truth.
Sisters…
Men were created to care for their women.
God put that desire in their DNA.
And most of the time, they will respond to our needs.
But… we have to show our husbands that we actually have needs.
Will they rise to the occasion immediately?
Maybe. But more likely, it will take a while for them to trust that they have what it takes to be the hero.
Will they always get it right?
Probably not. Do you?
Will they continue to try?
That depends on our response to our husband’s trial and error. Will we judge failure or affirm initiative?
So… what can you do?
Affirm your husband as often as you can.
Ask the Spirit of Courage to invade your husband.
Share your needs without any condemnation or frustration.
Refrain from nagging when those needs are not immediately met.
Show him your softer side by telling him, “I can’t do this. I need your help.”
A surrendered wife will continue to give her husband chances to be the hero, and will then sincerely affirm that inner-Superman when he does.
As he stands with hands on his hips, chest pumped up and cape waving in the background, he will feel extreme pride in his ability to care for and protect his family.
He needs to feel that satisfaction.
You need to feel that protection.
And none of that will happen until you show your vulnerability.
“But Carey, my husband is so passive.”
So was mine.
“I’m more of the ‘man’ in our marriage.”
So was I.
“Vulnerability scares me.”
Did me, too.
“It will never work.”
I felt the same.
Look, there are a million reasons NOT to do this. But I am wondering if you’d agree that your marriage might be worth another earnest try.
Girls… let your husband know you need him.
♥
REALITY CHECK: When we reveal our vulnerability, it gives our husbands a much-needed opportunity to positively contribute to the marriage and family. And that creates intimacy.
†††
©2013 Carey Scott
Check out my “101 Ways to Praise a Child” printable! Free thru March!
Let’s Connect! Follow me on Twitter… Pin with me on Pinterest… Book Me to speak at your event… Like my Facebook Ministry Page.
Concept taken from The Surrendered Wife
My husband is in chronic pain & we are trying to get SSD for him b/c he is unable to work. He is still able to function & do little things. I work to help supprt our family & have pleaded w/ him that I need help w/ household chores- things he can do, but it is soooooo hard to sit by & wait, wait , wait until he mayyyyyy do one little thing… affirming & trying to be positive & encourage, yet stuff piles up all around me ((sigh))
Lynda… Ugh. That must be so very tough. It’s taken a heart change on my husband’s part to begin embracing his ability and my need. Plus, I encourage you to pray specifically for the changes you’d like to see in your husband. God is always for us! Be blessed in your journey, sweet friend!
Carey this is so amazing and delightful how God is working in you and your marriage. I love how you are teaching us the value in asking. Asking for what we need and giving our husbands (and ultimately God) a chance to meet us where we are at, what our hearts desire and long for, and allows a deeper intimacy and trust to be created. Thank you for sharing this journey with us.
Jeanelle… I think asking for what we need is hard across the board. But no other relationship needs it quite like our marriages. It does something for our husbands! 🙂
Thanks for being real for us! I have been trying this too….I have been doing a better job at vocalizing how much I need my husband’s physical presence when I am upset. He has this amazing ability to calm me down.
Momma2boys… it’s amazing how much our husbands need us to need them. Glad to know you are embracing this!
The word “vulnerability” rolls in my throat like a cat with a hairball. I have been one of those women with the “I can do it myself or die trying” attitudes. And I have also had those foreign phrases come out of my mouth that were so hard and uncomfortable feeling.
Persistant. This is what I have to be in order to make those phrases and action becorm the norm.
Angie… I think you hit the nail on the head! Persistence is so key. Fake it till you make it. It’s a behavior we have to cultivate, for sure. Thanks sweet friend!
Carey – you have shared some real wisdom here. There are times and situations where even if we wanted or needed our husbands are not able or available to do the things we need. Then we get used to doing them, so when they are back and available and able we and they don’t expect for them to be asked, they don’t expect to be needed or fear that their ‘rock’ is somehow not able to do it all.
We can’t do it all, even when we are doing it on our own while they are away from our families, and the grace we need in those situations is massive. How do I do it all when he isn’t there, and then expect him to respond when he is home and I do say, “I need you” or “I can’t do this”?
This is my challenge with a working away from home husband and a farm. God is good and we are working on it.
Shanyn… from what I know, you are one of the most intentional moms and wives. You are always trying to improve and rewire. I love how you embrace what God reveals to you, and how you genuinely try to walk the path He calls you to. Your persistence and willing spirit bless me… and you set such a good example for other women. God sees you and says, “well done!”
Girl you bless me! Thank you for the encouragement. 🙂
I’m so glad I found your blog site! Your posts have been truly ministering to me and helping me as a wife. This topic of vulnerability is another thing I needed to learn more about. As I was reading, I remembered what my mom told me as a teen. She said to never let a man know exactly how you feel…basically never let your husband know the total extent to how much you love him because you do not want to let your guard down totally.
I’ve always wondered about her statement because it seems very contradictory and reading your post today helped me to understand that I need to let my husband know when I need help because if I do not he may not know. And in my not asking for help, he won’t be able to utilize a major function that God has given him as a man.
I believe my mom was going off past experiences with my dad. Now that I am an adult I can see that in some things he could not respond because he did not know she needed help…even if it seemed obvious to her.
Thanks so much and God bless you!!
lifemoreabundantly… that check in your spirit at your mom’s advice was God’s voice whispering “that’s not how I designed marriage.” I hope you recognize that God’s been trying to right that wrong information since you were a child. How cool. He has so much good in store for us and wants us to live “life more abundantly!” I also think her advice is a generational issue. We are much more open with our husbands now. Just like us… our moms did the best they could with the information they had. Oh girl, I bless your journey!
Carey, I used to be a much stronger person…I think with age – I have let go of stressful things (i get anxiety), now I think my husband misses the old Lisa! He is learning to adjust…I feel bad I do not have the strengths I used to when I met him. I have other qualities……but I feel like I am letting him down in some way. Good talk today 🙂
Hey sweet friend… don’t you think we mellow with age? In my situation, that has been a very good thing! My husband would agree. 🙂 From what I know of you, you’re husband is very blessed to be a part of your life. Thanks for your presence on MT. Always a better day when I see you there, Lisa!
Carey, thank you so much for taking on and sharing the principles of surrender! Like you, I have experienced such a transformation in my marriage that I could not help but what to share it with everyone! This is a beautiful ministry and I acknowledge you for the wisdom and guidance you are sharing and for allowing yourself to be used as a vessel of love!
In Sweet Surrender,
Gladys
Heart’s Desire International
OMG – I want to do this but there is a fight inside of me. I have those 2 angels on my shoulder – one good one bad but the problem is – is that I don’t know who is good and who is bad. I guess it’s like Eve hearing the devil say “did God really say…” My brain is so fighting this!!!!!! but I know it’s necessary.
Rose… We don’t serve a God of confusion. Pray for clarity of voices and God will reveal His. You can also use the Bible to check out what you think God is saying, too. Does it align with His words? Glad you are on board… it’s a bumpy ride but it’s changed my marriage for the better. 🙂