While on a walk with my husband the other night, I was telling him how very heavy my heart had been for our kids.
Sara’s been dealing with some frustrating friend issues, and Sam has been struggling in a few other areas. Now I know this is normal. We all have challenges and tumultuous waters to navigate in life.
But it’s really been getting to me lately.
I’ve felt a bit over-whelmed and under-qualified as a mom.
It’s taken a lot of brain-power (which is already running on low), and has preoccupied my thoughts.
But oddly, my husband hasn’t experienced the same.
Their struggles weren’t affecting him the same way they were affecting me.
Now Wayne is a great man, amazing husband, doting father, and hears the voice of God in his life. He’s involved and engaged in our family. He is aware of it all… but the struggles Sam and Sara are facing aren’t rockin’ him.
As we were walking, I was dissecting each issue the kids were facing like only women can do. I was ruminating about how to best handle it… how I did handle it… and if I should have handled it differently.
My poor man was a captive audience for my manic-madness for the next mile. He was essentially – trapped.
And then he said to me, “Why don’t you ask God what’s going on… and why this is so all-encompassing for you?”
Wow… that was a brilliant idea! Duh! Why didn’t I think of that?
… Sometimes I’m a little slow on the uptake.
So I did ask… I have asked.
And God recently revealed something very interesting.
Interesting in an “annoying” way.
He uncovered the reality that my kid’s struggles are triggering me… because they are also my struggles.
It’s like looking into a mirror.
God has showed me what’s been tripping me up… and why.
– I obsess when my children wrestle with friendships because they can be tricky for me, too. It’s been an area of great wounding.
– I obsess with their lack of self-confidence because it’s also an area of struggle for me at times. I battle feelings of worthlessness.
– I obsess when they feel left-out, because rejection is my hot-button as well. And I’m learning (often painfully) to only seek His approval.
Back up the bus! You mean it’s about me… again. Ugh.
… I’m so over myself.
But God isn’t. As a matter of fact, He is using everything in my life as a tool to heal me right up… even down to the challenges my kid’s are facing.
Because you see… I’m a captive audience.
Just as my husband was trapped on our walk and had no choice but to listen to my craziness, I have no choice but to walk through these struggles with my kids.
I take my role as mom very seriously. I love these little critters that God has given me, and I want to see them succeed and thrive.
I don’t want them to be my age struggling with these same things.
Anyone tracking with me??
And so because I am willing to walk these rocky paths with my kids… seeking God’s wisdom for their situations… counseling them to love and forgive others… speaking their value and worth… reminding them how much they matter…
… I’m being healed through it.
Why? Because the words of wisdom I am sharing with my kids as they work through their struggles is the same antidote I need to heal from my own.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds [curing their pains and their sorrows]. (Psalm 147:3)
God is using the struggles my children are facing to heal my own brokenness… my wounding… my pain… my sorrow.
– As I counsel them… God is counseling me.
– As I encourage them… He encourages me.
– As I advise them… God advises me.
– As I heal their hearts… He heals mine.
Only God can do that.
Where is He working like this in your life?
♥♥♥
©2013 Carey Scott
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I’m definitely “tracking” with you on this one! My kids struggles are very real to me because they are also mine. Thanks for this word of encouragement!
Dianne… Be encouraged, sweet one. Oh how He loves us!!!
Oh girl – your words are spot on for me too! How I see you! I love how God is showing you how restoration can come in sneaky ways like parenting… He uses ALL things to his glory! Love you!
Amanda… yes, restoration can be sneaky. All of a sudden you realize God has done a great work! Sort of a nice departure from the healing that requires so much of you… your heart, your pride, your mind, and everything familiar. I see you, too. And am so grateful for our friendship.
Why is it so easy to forget to ask God and to try to figure things out on our own limited understanding. Thank you for pointing this out today – much needed!
Jeanelle… I know, right? Sometimes it’s so frustrating that I work so hard in my own strength, when I should be sitting with God. Ugh. I want Him to be my default button… always.
Good insight Carey! Thanks for sharing this today.
Lois… thanks for stopping by today!
Nailed it Carey!! I walk these same waters all the time. Sometimes I feel a bit self centered that it all comes back to me… but God is teaching me how to have this internal conversation with Him with an outward conversation with my kids. And I find exactly what you have. Miraculously he teaches me to give what I have not received until that moment. The moment when He parents me exactly when I am parenting my kids! How amazing is His love for me and you… and everyone else too!
Cheryl… “The moment when He parents me exactly when I am parenting my kids!” Yes! I completely know what you mean. It usually a HUGE ah-ha moment for me. Sometimes I laugh, others times I shake my head thinking, “how have I missed this for ME?” Accepting that I will always be a work in progress. 🙂
I see where I usually ‘forget’ to go to God and He has been calling me to come to Him. When I was reading I wanted to rush to your side and say, “It’s ok that you talked to your man about it, it’s how women build relationships.” Yet, I also see where we can’t expect our man to be our All. That can only be filled by One. I love how you say what we are all thinking/feeling ~ you are able to put it into words ~ Thank you!!! I’m also amazed by how many struggles we women face that are the same. I have the exact.same.struggles. Prayers and Hugs, Friend =)
Lorna… you would have been a good walking partner that night. 🙂 Isn’t it just His way of building community between women to sweetly reveal we are all on the same team battling the same things? 🙂
Oh Carey, Carey, Carey, Your walk brought back so many memories of my school years as a child. When I became a grown up {if that ever happens} I always said I was NOT going to be the kind of teacher that a third grade teacher had been to me. She never held my hand when we walked to the playground–She held others. She never let us write on the chalkboard. My artwork was never good enough to be praised and on and on and on. As a teacher when I had a sad child that lasted several days, especially if it were a friend issue I would lay awake at night and try to figure it out. I would call my teaching partner and talk for an hour, I would try to analyze the family dynamics to see if I was missing something. I would take notes and observe every little action on the playground. Oh my goodness I had enough mind chatter to exhaust even the best listener. I look back and wonder how God put up with it all. The next day I would go to school and the two little fussy things that had given me the most worry were holding hands and wanted to do everything together. They were fine and when I would meet with them and bring up the behavior they looked at me like I was an alien that had just flopped in to the classroom by mistake. I never thought about it at the time so thanks for the reminder…It was about me and my elementary school walk and they were just fine and dandy. Sometimes there were issues and they did need to be dealt with, but for the most part it was me, me, me. Thanks for the wise words.
Janet… Love when God peels back the blinders and reveals something deeper, even if it has been a “few” years. So great to hear from you, sweet friend.
Carey, your title captured my attention, because I’m writing a new blog post about how God has forced me to a place of healing. Since, I’m a little further along in life the details are different, but the main message is much the same. I also can to totally identify with taking on & carrying my children’s pain, especially when it has been my pain in the past. Love your post, love your heart & love you!
Cathy… Love how God is speaking the same message to both of us. He is so cool that way. I’m so glad we are friends… Even if it’s of the cyber variety. Love you right back!
Having some of the same struggles right now, mainly depression-anxiety with my teen daughter. I’m so wrung out myself, I’m not helping her much but I do try. I hate knowing she gets a lot of it from me in the first place.
Kimberly… I’m sorry to hear you and your daughter are struggling. Keep crying out for God’s wisdom and healing, because He hears you and has plans to prosper you both. Thank you for sharing your heart. Bless you, sweet friend.
So true. I thought something very similar when my 2 year old was pitching a fit the other day. I could totally see hear God speaking to me through the words that I was speaking to her. Such a revelation, and your post is right on that same path! Thanks for sharing.
Love that, Denise! Thank you for stopping by. 🙂
yes yes YES!!! I love this post Carey!! I wrote a few years ago about how our children were put on this earth to teach and grow US… as we teach and grow them. You hit this one out of the park my friend! Motherhood is the greatest journey into self awareness and growth and above all healing!
Oh thanks, Chris! You are spot on with your comment that kids are here to teach and grow us. Woah-doggie, girl! Thanks for your encouragement!
Thank you, Chris! You are spot on with your comment that kids are here to teach and grow us. Woah-doggie, girl! Thanks for your encouragement!
{Melinda} No wonder we “click,” Carey. We are living parallel lives. We share many of the same struggles. It is so difficult to have so much invested in people, to be so affected emotionally by their ups and downs and to have limited control over your ability to help them and guide them. Keeps me going back to God over and over. I find myself praying less and less for specific results for my kids and just saying, “God, use this struggle to bring him/her closer to you. I don’t know what’s the right thing for them, but you do.”
Such an awesome post … Pinning and Tweeting. 🙂
Melinda… I totally know what you mean about praying less specific prayers. It is almost comical, actually. I find myself just asking for His perfect plan for my kids. I love that you are experiencing the same thing. 🙂
LOVE this Carey! Oh how I struggled with “mean girls” when I was young and I can see my buttons getting pushed all the way back to elementary school when my girls share similar struggles in friendships or insecurity. I often re-live the heartache, launch into judgment, anger and jump into my armor, ready for defensive battle. (Not the Lord’s armor, my own–even worse!) Thank you for the reminder that God is healing us through our children’s struggles. He really does work all things together (Romans 8:28) and we can trust Him to breathe new life and healing into those areas of hurt so we have wholeness and the right perspective rather than our broken, human outlook. Thank you for your honest, uplifting (and healing!) post.
Linda… I’m finding there are so many of us who can relate to this triggering effect. Isn’t God amazing? I love how nothing goes to waste. He can (and does) use everything in our lives to make us more like Him. Thanks for stopping by!
Oh Carey…. I am definitely tracking with you. Wow. It just hurts so much to be going through this stuff again, and again, and again. And adding to it, going through stuff that I used to judge in other people/families before I actually had children. Thanks for a great post that is right where I’m living right now. 😉
Kari… GREAT observation! All those judgements we passed (and still do sometimes) on others are also ways God brings issues to light and healing to pass. Thanks for pointing that out! 🙂
I love this, Carey. Since we adopted 13 years ago I have discovered my kids were sent to me to change me, regardless of the life change for them. They’ve been in therapy and I’ve learned a lot! The positive messages I’ve tried to pour into them I’ve poured right back into myself. I am a changed life because of our struggles, and I wouldn’t change a thing. I also have adult children and it’s hard stepping back and letting them come to me, but God is good at redeeming the years of our lives together. Love your writing and your story and hope God opens many, many doors for you in the future.
Marty… thank you! Love your heart for adoption and working through the issues that come with each new child. Do you even realize what a blessing you are to them?