Last week I mustered up my courage to publicly share an incident of sexual abuse that happened to me when I was four years old.
Thank you for your words of encouragement and support.
I discovered that so many of you can relate… and that broke my heart. But I also know that removing those stories of abuse from hidden places and bringing them into the light helps take the shame and guilt away.
Because Jesus is in the light.
He is the Light.
And He came to heal the brokenhearted.
If we’re honest… we’d learn that all of us have been heartsick, and have felt His peace and His restoration bleed into a situation, change a destructive behavior, or replace a negative thought-pattern.
It’s in those times that God confirms He is who He says He is… and will do what He says He will do.
Oh how He loves us…
Through my process of healing, God has opened my eyes to so many truths and lies about me… about Him… about life… about faith… about others.
It’s been a humbling experience. Freeing at times and painful in others.
But few have caught me off guard like this one did.
Not only did that abusive encounter as a young girl set me up with a life-long struggle with worthlessness and feelings of deep rejection… but it marked me.
I had an invisible mark on me that only abusers could see.
It told them I’d been hurt before… and I was vulnerable enough to be hurt again. I was an easy target.
You see, that sexual abuse at age four wasn’t the only abuse I encountered. Instead it was the first of many where men took advantage me.
Somehow, predators could spot me a mile away.
In Mary DeMuth’s book, Thin Places, she talks about The Mark she carried from her sexual abuse as a little girl. Get this book. Her memoir is real and raw and bold… and I found a deep connection to her story. You might, too.
The Bible also talks about marks.
In Genesis 4:15, Cain was afraid for his life when God judged him for murdering his brother Abel. God put a mark on Cain to help protect him from others, but it didn’t prevent him from being attacked or killed. The mark merely warned that anyone who murdered Cain would suffer a worse death.
The Book of Revelation says that as the redeemed, we bear a mark… a seal… on our foreheads showing we belong to God (Revelation 14:1). But it doesn’t exempt us from all earthly suffering. Instead, it shows that God has claimed us and we have eternal life with Him.
But the Enemy also marks people because he counterfeits the things of God. “It forces everyone—the small and great, the rich and poor, the free and slaves—to have a mark put on their right hand or on their forehead.” Revelation 13:16. It’s the mark of the beast.
When I kept finding myself in abusive, hurtful situations, I used to wonder… “Why me?”
Why am I always the target of abuse? Was it something I did? Something I said? Did I invite it? Was it my fault? Was I at the wrong place at the wrong time?
And then the older I got, I started asking God… “Why are You letting this happen? If You really “love” Your kids so much, why are You allowing this?!”
… Silence.
A victim mentality started growing, and the message of worthlessness dug in deeper. I was riddled with shame and guilt and anger… which manifested through control issues and struggles to trust the motives of others (mostly men).
… Am I speaking anybody’s language?
Oh I just wanted to be normal!
I envied my friends who seemed to have these charmed lives filled with laughter and hope and confidence.
And then there was me… marked… and keeping secrets about how very broken I was inside.
I carried most of it alone, sparing my friends and family the details and incidents.
What would they think of me?
What does God think of me?
Isaiah 55:8-9 tells us that we don’t think like God does. We can’t understand His thoughts or ways. So, I may never know why God allowed those things to happen to me.
But I do know that His plan is – and always has been – for me to thrive. And Jesus died on the cross to prove it.
And so I am thriving… now.
Once I began to trust Jesus for healing, the mark that had attracted predators for most of my life… went away. It simply disappeared.
Washed away.
God replaced the mark of “victim” to a mark of “victor.”
And most of the time, I believe it.
Most of the time, I walk in that truth.
But sometimes I fall on my face, asking God to once again remind me who I am… and who I am not.
And He does. Every. Time.
©2013 Carey Scott
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Sharon Wimberly Davidson says
Spot on Carey and a wonderful reminder! I am off to purchase this book today!! I have so much work to do in this area; so appreciate knowing what I knew to be right, but now seeing that you allowed “it” to be ‘washed away’ is inspiring. Muwah!
Carey Scott says
Sharon… God is ready to do that work with you, sweet one! His plan is for you to THRIVE! xoxo
Jeanelle says
Carey – I rejoice in this statement “I am no longer the victim but the victor!” That is a powerful truth and declaration to speak over our lives. Thank you for your willingness to open the dark secret places in order to allow the LIVING LIGHT to shine into our hearts through you.
Carey Scott says
Jeanelle… Thank you for linking arms with me. I’m so grateful God placed you in my life to remind me who I am.
Amanda says
“But sometimes I fall on my face, asking God to once again remind me who I am… and who I am not. And He does. Every. Time.”
Oh how we all need to be reminded- and I love how He is changing your thought life- about Him and You.
Love your courage and vulnerability. Praising God for your Testimony!
Carey Scott says
Thanks, AB! He is changing my thoughts… but what a painful process. I love that He never gives up on me. Thank you for always being my encourager.
ML says
One more reminder of the spiritual battle we are in. We can never let our guard down on how the enemy is stalking us. But God…I love you dearly,sister in the faith.
Carey Scott says
ML… mom… thank you for being a constant encourager for me in so many areas! I love you!
Shauna says
Carey:
Thanks for sharing such a personal story. A mutual friend shared your blog with me today. It is surprising how many women have been affected by this act of lust. I, too, was molested at age 4. However, God protected me from the memories until I was 41! Although the healing process has be hard physically, emotionally and spiritually, God has been faithful. I am a leader in the women’s ministry at my church and this experience has given me a different perspective into women’s lives and my ministry as I counsel them in their spiritual growth and their marriages. It is true, this horrible act does affect all aspects of the victim’s life and tears down the person from the inside out. I beleive God uses our trials to equip us for what He calls us to do. James 1. Be encouraged that what satan meant for harm God has used for His glory through the ministry He has given you. You are a blessing to so many women and your voice is being heard as you glorify God through your authenticity. Blessings ~Shauna
Carey Scott says
Shauna… I’m sorry to hear you are a fellow traveler on this same path. I’m also happy to hear that God is healing that broken place. He is so good! Thank you for your words of encouragement. I receive them!
motheringfromscratch says
{Melinda} This is beautiful, Carey. I am so grateful that Jesus did not leave me where I was — in my woundedness and dysfunction. It had different sources than yours, but was also damaging to my ability to make healthy choices. So blessed He caused our paths to cross as we journey. 🙂
Becky Marquart Johnson says
“Spoken For” by Mercy Me….. You are loved by The King! Amen sister!
Carey Scott says
Amen indeed, Becky!