Taxes are due on April 15th.
Always have been… always will be.
Now had it been done my way, they would have been filed last February.
But they weren’t. And we are just a few weeks shy of the due date and they are still… not… done.
Can I be honest?
Everything in me wants to scream. Especially since we should be getting a decent chunk of money back and could really use it right now.
But I haven’t screamed.
As a matter of fact, I’ve decided to step back from micro-managing this process.
- I’m not asking him when they’ll be done.
- I’m not dropping subtle hints that they are due… soon.
- I’m not offering to help with them.
Instead of worrying about it, I’ve decided to trust that my husband will rise to the occasion.
Sisters… if you knew me… you’d giggle at how very different this response is from what it used to be. My heart for my man and my marriage has shifted. And this is a huge step in my surrendering journey.
I wonder if you are seeing some big breakthrough, too.
It’s good for us to intentionally take that step back. Sometimes unless we do, he won’t take that necessary step forward.
It’s good for us to keep our mouths shut… instead of nagging him and judging his action plan. (duct tape works wonders)
It’s good for us to let them take the reins… rather than always being the one in charge.
It’s… good.
As capable, intelligent, educated wives, we tend to crowd our husbands rather than give them the room they need to lead their way.
We naturally believe that our way is best… since it’s how we’ve always done it.
We worry things won’t get done… and so we micro-manage their efforts.
We become overly preoccupied with their success or failure.
We wait and watch and find ourselves sitting in that lofty judgment seat.
Yuck.
You know what?
Those responses to our husband’s leadership abilities are the complete opposite of surrendering.
Managing our husbands and surrendering to them cannot co-exist. You have to choose one or the other.
So, think about it.
Are you crowding him?
Well, you might be crowding your husband if…
You threaten to hire the neighbor kid to mow since the lawn is longer than you’d like it to be, and he hasn’t mowed it yet.
You regularly check the pile of bills, and then remind him about what payments are due by what date.
You’re frustrated the project has stalled, and so you offer to finish it rather than wait on him to get it done.
Instead of letting him learn his own lessons, you go down a check list of items he needs for work as he’s walking out the door.
Rather than risk it piling up, you remind him that trash day is tomorrow.
Anyone?
When we manage our husband’s efforts… and schedules… and chores… and ability to be an adult… it’s just another nasty form of control.
Sometimes we control and crowd them with our actions, our words, and our tone.
But other times we use… our silence.
Without speaking a word, my husband can always tell when my sense of urgency doesn’t align with his. He can tell when I am not pleased with how he is handling something. He knows when my frustration level is rising without me opening my mouth.
He can read my non-verbal clues.
My facial expression hides nothing.
Regardless of if I say it out loud or not, he feels… crowded.
Chances are it’s the same in your marriage.
And when our husbands sense that we’re unhappy with how they are managing their lives and family responsibilities, one of two things can happen:
- They feel defeated, lose self-confidence and step back so we can take control again, or
- They become angry and defensive that we don’t trust their ability to function as an adult.
Either way, intimacy takes a huge hit.
A surrendered wife is willing to take the risk of trusting her husband and his timing… rather than sending the message that he’s not good enough.
For a man, the “you-are-not-good-enough” message is a very dangerous one for them to receive.
Why?
Because it can become a truth they believe about themselves … and a truth you begin to believe about them, too.
And as we’ve learned, our husbands have a deep need for us to respect who they are. It’s vital.
So I wonder… are you micro-managing your man and your marriage?
Be careful, because:
It’s not healthy.
It’s not honoring.
It’s not how God designed it.
†††
REALITY CHECK: Your husband is fully capable of meeting any challenges that arise, and can learn his own lessons, too. Don’t manage who he is, what he does, or how he does it. It’s not your job.
©2013 Carey Scott
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Concept taken from The Surrendered Wife
I have to pat my husband on the back for the trash is always taken out without a word from me, the bills are always on time, the taxes yes I did mention them oops feeling really convicted to not say anything next year, I did mention how the front porch needs blown off so the pollen and allergies dont come in and affect our daughters allergies,another oops on my part. I majorly disrespected him this morning by being lazy instead of a good wife and responding to what he wanted I instead blatantly said Im not doing it! That doesnt line up with what the word says. How do you do what your husband asks when you have trouble doing what he says I hear my dad yelling at me whenever my husband requests things of me I really need prayer to hear my husband instead of past tapes!
I think you just nailed it! Ask God to help you hear your husband’s heart rather than your dad’s voice. Ask God to heal those old wounds so you don’t operate out of them in your marriage. So glad that you see the difference!
Thankyou Carey I have been working on it , also when my husband laughs at me all i hear is my childhood and my heart hurts so muchI have tried to explain to him this feels like a knife twisting in my heart any advice on how to not hear the old record when I hear my dear husband laughing at me?
amombychance… the ONLY thing that has worked for me was hard work with a counselor. I’m doing it right now for some issues that have plagued me for as long as I can remember. It helps to talk them out… see the lies for what they are… and then ask God to heal them. Maybe consider a Christian counselor. I’m sorry those old tapes play so loudly for you, sweet sister. God sees you.
Thankyou Carey I do know God sees me,I sought out the christian counselor I am working with now thinking surely she will tell me that he is a bad man and i should really leave him! To my surprise it was the old tapes not that we both dont have our own parts in the marriage but that I was not even seeing my husband for who he was . I was seeing him as I saw my father in my childhood which is not fair to him! Yes there have been hurts but Jesus forgive s me so who am i to not forgive and give my man a new slate as well! Praying for the old tapes to unwind and be restored!
I’ll pray with you!
Thank you Carey that means alot to me ,I am now committed to my marriage a hundred and ten percent!This doesn’t mean times never get hard it just means I am trusting in God more than anyone else in my life!
Oohh, this is such a tough one. I’ve been practising for years to let these things go, but it still takes conscious effort. Every once in a while God gives me an opportunity to express my desires to my husband in a way that shows that I need his protection from the big, scary world out there. The rest of the time I’m learning to see God as my protecter and provider who just happens to use my husband a lot. God can handle the worst I can throw at Him (in private) when I’m bent out of shape, and then He helps me stay a sweet, supportive wife to the human man I married.
Finances are definately where the rubber hits the road for us, isn’t it!
Love this line… “I’m learning to see God as my protecter and provider who just happens to use my husband a lot.” Brilliant!
Really good post Carey, very straight to the heart and convicting. I am learning to let him do and be, and let him lead. Today I just let him do a crazy thing with the old tractor. It was no where how I would have done it but he beamed when I stood and cheered him on instead of trying to make him do it ‘better’. It worked. Nothing broke. No one was hurt. And he felt awesome! So simple to state and yet earth moving when it happens. Courage ladies and prayers for you all! (oh and I have to add a praise – thank you Lord for the RAIN! Blessed much needed RAIN!)
Trusted my husband and tried to let him take the reigns for a VERY long time. Hoping that one day he would grow up and be responsible. I have to do everything or nothing will get done. Including supporting the family. Still hoping and praying that God will intervene, but after 8 years and about to lose everything, it will take a miracle.
Cary… I’m so sorry. Sometimes – for whatever reason – we cannot surrender. I applaud your efforts and I know God sees them as well. “Lord, we pray a miracle into Cary’s family and marriage. You know her needs and we ask You to move swiftly in her situation. Help her trust You in her journey. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”
OUCH! I totally micro-manage…I have been working on it for the past few years, but it’s still hard. I am trying to figure out when to say something and when not to. Like when I was in the hospital in Feb (nasty stomach flu) my husband totally stepped up and took care of the kids. I am sure he did not do things my way, but I didn’t say anything, I figured the kids’ teacher’s knew and I could pick up the pieces when I got back on my feet. The only time it was tricky was the morning our youngest was in preschool. My husband thought school ended 30 minutes later than it did…thankfully he came to see me that morning and as he was telling me about his day I was able to casually slip in that school was over at 11 not 11:30, though “warning bells” had gone off in my head at the beginning of the conversation 😉 I don’t always like the way my husband manages his time, but then I am reminded of Matthew 7:3-4; yep need to take out the plank from my eye before telling him about his speck of sawdust 😉 I have been trying to memorize verses about holding my tongue from Proverbs as this is an area that is both a blessing and a curse. I have the gift of gab (as evident by my long-winded post) but I need to focus it more on using this gift as God wills, not my will……and so I work……thanks for the reminder!
Love the reminder about the plank in our own eye. You are so spot on! Thanks for sharing that!
Oh man, seriously, you just hit on something I was discussing yesterday. I sometimes feel like I’m not the mom I want to be because I’m such a nagger! I don’t have a husband anymore, but I do have kids and it seems like they knowwhat to do but choose not to do them so instead of a nice easy going evening, we fight because I’m on top of them to get homework done, or clean their rooms or do their jobs around the house. Really??? How is their pile of laundry going to hurt anyone if it isn’t done? I know that I need to lay off, but I sometimes feel like I can, then feel like a heel afterwords.
Jenna… girl… I get you! I’m telling you, God is calling me to back off and just love. He’s challenging me to have more grace. He is asking me to let go of the reins. I bless you in this journey. I’m walking it with you!
I meant I feel I CAN’T.
Wow, totally what I needed to hear today. My husband and I were just talking this past week about some issues…my nagging, to which I always reply, well, why don’t you stop or start doing xyz and I won’t have to nag! We just started a marriage bible study in Sunday school this past week and while I was thinking this will be great for my hubby to hear, think I have a lot to learn too! Love your duct tape line, I think sometimes if I just kept my mouth shut, it would be beneficial for all! 🙂 I’m working on it and praying for God to work on me too!
Lisa… duct tape DOES help. I’m learning that not every thought in my head is right… and therefore doesn’t need to be shared. Glad to know others are walking this journey with me. 🙂
This is a hard one because my husband has ADHD and he asks me to remind him of things he needs to do and nudge him to do it. I think I tend to push a little too hard when I want it done when I want it done. My face definitely shows it when he hasn’t done something he said he would. I need to work on that and knowing that after I’ve given him the reminders he’s asked for I should trust he will do it. A lot of times I feel it would easier if I didn’t even remind him and just do everything myself….but I know he wants to help and I so want him to help.
I will brag on him for a second. This Friday I was dead tired and he called me after work and I told him how tired I was but I had to take our daughter to Volleyball practice and cook dinner, etc. and without me even asking he told me he’d be home in a few minutes and he would take her so I could rest. That was awesome!
Jeanne… sometimes when our spouses have challenges like ADHD, we have to do things that work best for our marriage. It sounds like you know the difference between reminding and nagging. Maybe that is where you concentrate your efforts. And THANK YOU for bragging on your husband. They need to be celebrated!
Please pray for me in this area. I just got off the phone with my husband, he is looking for a job and didnt go to enough places for me 🙁 I realize how terrible I was now
Amber… GRACE girl. We’ve all been there. But now your eyes have been opened. Risk trusting that your husband will indeed handle this. Release the responsibility of having to hold it all together yourself. It’s actually quite freeing. I bless your journey!
My husband gets upset if I don’t remind him of things, then tells me I’m nagging him if I do remind him lol… so I fixed it by writing everything, bills due, trash day etc. On our calendar on the wall, even things I need to remember.. now it’s out of my hands… if he forgets, i can say I wrote it down, but he can’t say I nagged him 🙂 Plus, it helps me remember things I might forget too….
Katie… I love your practical solution. Keeps harmony in the marriage, but keeps you from having to do (and remember) it all. Brilliant!
Uggh – this is a VERY hard one for me. I’ve been a miserable failure at it, but one thing I began to notice is that because I took control for so many years, it got him off the hook and didn’t force him to think or remember, etc. In a way, I was enabling his procrastination, forgetfulness or “laziness” even more, and keeping him from sometimes experiencing the painful consequences of those decisions, which might have helped him get engaged and on track even faster. In other words, I was being a “helicopter” wife! Once I decided to let that go and be his teammate, he stepped up and took initiative, actually asking for my help on certain things!
One thing I’ve learned is that since God uses every situation for good (including our good), that refund will come at the perfect time and exactly when it’s needed! 🙂
By the way, your hubby has until the 17th this year, so he knew what he was doing. 🙂
Susan
Susan… I’ve been an enabler in my marriage, too. He didn’t have to think… Remember…. Decide… Because I did it for him. My bad. I love the idea of being his “teammate.” Much healthier that way!
Reblogged this on Marriage, Family, & Life with The Butlers and commented:
Definitely something I needed to read right now!! Extremely helpful and insightful. Starting right now I choose to stop any form of micromanagement towards my husband.
OK, so you wrote this a week ago. I read it. I may have actually put my head down on the table and clenched my teeth and cried. Maybe. I couldn’t actually form coherent thoughts to comment! Ha! I got angry, too. I just couldn’t, couldn’t wrap my brain around this level of surrender. I couldn’t wrap my brain around how much I try to control every. little. thing. in our lives. How much I micromanage. This has roots in some very difficult times in our marriage… but this surrendered wife journey you have us on is showing me just how much trust and respect I’ve held back since then. And, oh, it shows.
This control stuff reaches into so many areas of life, and the irony of it all is that it just steals contentment and piles on worry and anxiety, instead of “making things run smoothly” which is what I’ve tried to tell myself I’m doing.
Yet again I wish you were my neighbor so I could bring you coffee, say thank you, and just talk all of it through. I’ll settle for being grateful, once again, for your honesty and willingness to write these posts.
Carey will you pray for my husband. To my knowledge, he still hasn’t filed LAST year’s taxes. It is an area that frustrates me like none other. I am trying so hard to let him take the lead, but he isn’t. AND if it was just his taxes I’d be okay with it, it effects me too as we file as a couple.
Yes! “Father, I ask your protection of my sweet sister as she struggles to honor her husband with the taxes. Please cover her if they were not filed and/or if issues arise from it. I’m calling down Your Kingdom to rest on her home and marriage and finances. Would You nudge her husband to step into his God-ordained role as head of the family? Would You bless her with obeying your call for us to love our husbands and surrender to them? God, if we are going to follow your leading on this… we need to know that You have our back. Please show us that You do! We love You, Lord. Thank You for being our Strong Tower and Shield. In Jesus’ name… Amen.”
Thank you so much!
Ouch!! This is so hard! My husband is a huge procrastinator and I’m NOT! I always payed the bills the day I got them (before I was married), now that he does it they are often late 🙁 And then I get the phone call from the collector! It’s hard to stay quiet when I suffer the consequences of his mistakes (our taxes aren’t yet done either…making me NUTS!) but I know
That I need to trust him enough to do it and trust God enough to take care of us even when mistakes are made. I’ve been keeping my mouth shut about taxes but I had this plan in mind to go to him on the 14th and ask “so, did we get any money back this year?” My purpose: to remind him incase they aren’t done! I guess I will pray for the self control to not even do that. :-/ thanks for the post!
Glad you stopped by, Happymama!
Carey
I just subscribed to your blog! I think I need your insight on a daily basis. You are very inspirational. I can def relate to your blog today! I struggle with this issue constantly and unfortunately am not successful! I tend to be a worrier and control freak so I want to handle everything. My husband is a very laid back type of guy so we are total opposites! It has caused a real strain in our marriage lately and the fact that Im always on him regarding certain things. I am going to take your advice and trust him more to get things done without nagging and complaining! Everything you wrote is so true!
I am so proud of you and everything you have seemed to accomplish! If you ever want to travel to KC, my church would probably love to have you speak…..I go to a nondenominational bible church, We do have a womens retreat every fall in September. Last year we had Beth Guckenberger as our host speaker. Im sure you have heard of her! Its called Crossway Bible Fellowship in Blue Springs, Mo if you want to take a look at the website.
You probably dont want to travel that far for a speaking engagement. But…..if you do you could always cut your travel expense and stay free with me:)
Yay, Julie! So glad to have YOU along for the journey. And Yes… I do travel to speak! Sheesh, please forward my information to your women’s director. I’d love to speak at your retreat. I’ve two great topics ready to go. 🙂 Love you, sweet friend!