To the man who molested me,
You’ve been a part of my memory for most of my life. The things you said… the things you did… have tainted my ability to truly love myself.
That day forever changed me.
While I didn’t understand what was happening, I unconsciously made an agreement with you about who I was, and who I should become. And since I’ve never been able to be that woman, I’ve struggled to be comfortable in my own skin.
… I’ve hated you for that.
As I think back to that day, it’s as clear in my mind this moment as it was forty-two years ago.
It started out like any other day. I woke up happy. The world was good. Adults were safe. And evil didn’t exist.
And as I jumped on my tricycle, I had no idea I was peddling away from life as I knew it.
When I let my mind wander back, I can hear the sounds coming from the tools of the construction crew you worked with.
I remember you taking my hand in the midst of the busyness and leading me into that room… closing the door behind us.
I can feel the confusion and fear stir in my stomach now as I recall how you made me look at the images of naked women in a magazine. And I remember your anger when I tried to look away.
I remember how you escorted me from one room to another, closing yet another door to my innocence.
When I close my eyes, I can see you lifting me onto the ironing board. It seemed so out of place.
I can conjure up the rush of emotions I felt in that room… the ones telling me this was wrong. And while I cannot bring your face into focus, I’ve never been able to blur out the way you touched me or the way you asked me to touch you.
I remember how I screamed for help, only to realize my voice never made it past my lips. But your voice did. I can recall, with great clarity, the words you spoke to me.
“This is your fault. If you tell anybody, you will be in trouble.
You are bad and dirty and will never be worth… anything.”
Who says such a thing to a 4-year-old?
Who does such a thing to a 4-year-old?
And as you turned and walked out of my life forever, your words sank into me… took root… and became part of my DNA.
For most of my life, they’ve held such power over me. I have whole-heartedly believed them. I’ve struggled to feel beautiful… valuable.
The words you spoke over me have been like heavy weights, dragging me deeper and deeper into a pit of worthlessness.
… I’ve hated you for that.
Sometimes I wonder if you remember me – if you recall what happened. Does it haunt you? Or have you buried it deep, distancing yourself from it.
Was I the first of many… or the only one?
While our encounter may never cross your mind, it’s forever etched in mine.
But God has been reworking the effects of that day.
– He is removing those words of hate that you spewed all over me, and replacing them with the truth of who I really am.
– He is untangling my self-esteem from the places you tied it, and anchoring it in Him instead.
– He is healing my little 4-year-old heart, showing me that I am good enough.
– He has saved me from living a life of defeat and destruction.
And while this process has been painful… and scary… and lonely… and long… it’s working.
Psalm 34:18 says “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those whose spirits are crushed.”
I’m living proof.
So I’m writing to tell you that you no longer have power over me. Your words and actions are only a part of my past… not my future.
So no matter what shame or guilt has been attached to that day, God has removed it. It wasn’t mine to carry, anyway.
And you know what…
I am beautiful.
I hold great value in the eyes of my Daddy.
I am more than good enough.
I am powerful.
And I am greatly loved by my Creator.
Because of those truths, what you meant for harm… has been Divinely trumped.
And as a result, I no longer hate you. Even more… I forgive you.
But rest assured, there will come a day when you will answer to my Heavenly Father for the things you did to me.
… and justice will be served.
Carey
©2013 Carey Scott
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My heart aches for you Carey. I know your pain all to well. Glory to God for helping us through these tragedies.
Renee… healing and blessings to YOU, sweet friend. Glory to God, indeed. 🙂
Carey, I know this took great courage to share. Sadly, a high percentage of women who will read this will be able to relate to your story. Like myself. But, praise the Lord, there truly is NO soul wound where God’s healing can not extend. Praying God’s supernatural healing balm continues to pour into every area of your life. <3
Shelly… you are so right. This kind of abuse is not the exception anymore. I’m sorry to hear we share the same experience, but He is faithful to heal those “soul wounds.” How gracious of our God… 🙂
I understand now why God has brought us together. Your words mirror my thoughts about the men who raped me. Your pain mirrors mine. And finally, your response through Jesus Christ mirrors my forgiveness. This is more timely than you could ever imagine and I thank you for your honesty – your transparency – and for your courage. May His Words be forever stitched into the seams of your heart. You ARE Loved and you are worth the Blood shed by the Lamb of God. God Bless you girl…
Jamee… I’m glad we’ve connected, girl. How encouraging to know others who have dealt with that kind of pain and have come out the other side victorious! Bless YOU, sweet friend!
Love you sis! What a hard thing to write about – I’m so proud of you!
Stefani… thank you for always being a constant support in my life. I love you so much!
I love u my brave, beautiful, and oh-so-valuble friend!! May God continue to heal, redeem and restore u and others thru ur story!!!
Laura… always the encourager. Thank you for that. What a blessing you are and have been in my life. You know my heart. 🙂
I honor you. I honor your story. So very proud of you and your courage to keep pressing on for Gods complete healing— you are worth it! XoXo-
Amanda… thank you for seeing me and walking this journey of healing with me. Love and appreciate you!
Wow! Such a brave public writing of something so personal. Thank you for sharing – it gives me hope that I can write the same type of “letter” to my molester too! Thank you, thank you, thank you for your honesty and bravery! 🙂 Angie
Angie… I am so grateful that my healing gives you hope. Oh that makes it worth the journey! I pray you find complete restoration through the One that created and loves you unconditionally!
I guess it is time for me to write my letter also. I’ve carried the ache and heartache far too long and while I forgave him, somehow I still walk around with anger and an unforgiving, unworthy sense of self. How dare he?! You are a family member that I still have to manage; I thought family was safe.
Sharon… the letter is so vital. Not because of eloquent words, but because it brings healing. It’s time to untangle his words and actions from your identity, and that is only something God can do with and for you. And sweet friend, remember that God is always safe… even when others are not. Bless you, girl.
Man, I love you! and I am so stinking proud of you!
Thank you, Het! So appreciate your encouragement. 🙂
Chills, tears, and His redemptive love is what I felt as I read your words. Thank you for sharing so deeply and truth of what HE is capable of in the midst of our buried pain and ghost that haunt us. Thank God there is FREEdom!
Mari… You’re so right! Who the Son sets free… is FREE indeed! Thank you!
Oh, Carey. My heart is aching for that four year-old but I can’t help but be amazed by the brave woman she’s become despite such evil endured at a young age. I marvel at your courage to write about and deal with this…and I know your honesty and words will help so many who have struggled through and continue to battle the same demons. God bless you, friend.
Jenny… Thank you for encouraging my bravery. This was a hard post to write for so many reasons. I know, however, that my story will spark healing for others. It’s just how God created community to work. Appreciate you so much.
Thank you for writing this. How incredibly courageous.
Vanessa… thank YOU for your affirming words. 🙂
Looking at our past circumstances we can begin to understand a lot about ourselves, but what matters most is what we do with it. You, my friend, bless and strengthen others with your willingness to share and grow. With grace and beauty you bless us all 🙂
Amen, Stephanie! Looking back helps us understand the “now.” Thank you for your sweet comment. It will be tucked in my heart.
Carey,
Reading your story brought chills to me. I still struggle with this in a very deep way. Thank you for your courage to write this. I want to experience this freedom also.
Lori… My heart WANTS you to be free, too! God is so ready to restore, sweet one. Ask Him to do the deep work so you can be unchained from this burden. He is the only One who can. Blessing to you.
Beautifully written Carey! I can feel through your words that God is the true power in this story, not what happened to you, or what the life long effects of it were, But God’s grace! Jesus has truly restored you, and as you said… divinely trumped what was meant for evil to bring healing, love, and power to you and all of us who have experienced this kind of abuse. Love it!! Bless you!
Kari… Oh I am so glad you can see GOD in my words rather than get stuck on the abuse. He has redeemed me! Thank you for stopping by today!
{Melinda} Carey, I am so proud of you for writing this, friend. Praying for your continued healing and freedom. <3
Thanks, Melinda. So appreciate you and your friendship!
Carey, you are such a blessing and a courageous woman. Sexual abuse infiltrated our home through our adoption, and it was certainly not something I asked for. The thing about it is the secrecy. No one tells and when the child becomes the perpetrator it is devastating. I pray your story touches many and opens the doors to those secrets because it is only through the healing hand of God that true healing begins. Bless you, my friend.
Thank you, Marty! I am finding that this struggle is more widespread than I ever imagined. I pray God is healing your home, too. Thanks for our encouragement.
Carey I rejoice in your testimony that NOTHING is too difficult for God to heal! Thank you for saying Yes to this healing process and journey towards freedom. You have great authority in Christ to release other women who are held in chains, bondage and fear! Standing in awe over His healing over you, your mind and your heart.
Jeanelle… thank you for that! What a privilege to be used by God in such a way. 🙂
I love you, friend!
Love you back, Lee!
Carey, I recently had the opportunity to say outloud in front of a large group of women many of the exact thoughts and feelings you expressed and identify closely with your story and the difficulty in putting the words out there. For me it was the very first time the words were ever spoken much less spoken in front of a group of women. There was a mix of panic and relief at actually putting the words out there. After all, I didn’t want to be known as “That woman who…..” But you are right, that is how God builds community. He does it through the courage He gives to be honest and transparent about not just the pain but of the fact that healing, true healing is found only through His hands and at His feet. Thanks for sharing yet again the words and hurts that are in far too many of our hearts. Luv you and am praying for you.
Bev… I know that fear of being known as “that woman who…” Always a risk you take when you share your struggles and life. My request to God is “to not let it all be for not.” Let Your glory shine through the dark times. Love how He is bringing it all together for my benefit and His glory. Only God can do that. Love you!
Carey, Tears rolled down my face as I read your story. I am so proud of you and so proud to call you my Sister and friend. From the first time I met you I have always thought you were beautiful inside and out. You are an inspiration! You have a beautiful family. Thank you for sharing your story. I will continue to pray for your comfort and healing.
Thank you, Kim! Thank you for your sweet words and friendship. You are a treasure.
From the profound depths of who you are… God shines His Light through His Adoration and Healing Power in you. God bless you my friend. This was tragic and powerful and you are a testimony to Courage and Strength in Him.
Thank you, Chris! Your words greatly encourage me!!
Dear Carey…I know your pain, too…as I lived it. I always tried to block out what happened..never telling anyone at the time…feeling like it was all my fault because I was old enough to know better. What a lie satan told me! We are never old enough or smart enough to be prepared for rape, incest, physical, mental, verbal, and/or spiritual abuse. I learned so much about this and my own journey towards forgiveness at Open Hearts Ministries. There are local Journey Groups, too, for anyone struggling now. I have always been amazed by your natural choice to be real and vulnerable to all women. I love that there are NO LIMITS to what we, as women, can share for the healing of ourselves and for so many others trapped in pain. I miss you TONS. I hope we can reconnect in person sometime soon. As a Macedonian missionary so sweetly said to me yesterday….Let the peace of God be above your home and in your heart, friend.
Thanks, Conni. So great to hear from you. Glad to know you’re on your own journey of healing. Blessings to YOU!
You are so brave. You are an inspiration to so many. I am so thankful that you share it all for His glory. I pray His blessings continue to wash over you on your journey.
Lorna… thank you, sweet friend. Your words mean a lot.